The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

2005: Following the death of Pope John Paul II, Ratzinger is elected as the 265th pope and chooses the pontifical name Pope Benedict XVI.
2005: Pope Benedict XVI celebrates his first canonizations on October 25 in St. Peter’s Square.
2006: By merging four existing pontifical councils into two, Pope Benedict XVI begins his downsizing of the Roman Curia.
2007: Delighting environmental advocacy groups, Pope Benedict XVI announces plans for the Vatican to become the world’s first carbon-neutral country.
2009: Pope Benedict XVI publishes the well-received encyclical Caritas in Veritate, or “Charity in Truth.”
2012: Three years after launching the Vatican’s official YouTube channel, the tech-savvy pontiff joins Twitter with the handle @Pontifex.
2013: Citing failing health and old age, Benedict announces plan to resign the papacy—the first pontiff to do so in 600 years.
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