The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

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What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

2005: Following the death of Pope John Paul II, Ratzinger is elected as the 265th pope and chooses the pontifical name Pope Benedict XVI.
2005: Pope Benedict XVI celebrates his first canonizations on October 25 in St. Peter’s Square.
2006: By merging four existing pontifical councils into two, Pope Benedict XVI begins his downsizing of the Roman Curia.
2007: Delighting environmental advocacy groups, Pope Benedict XVI announces plans for the Vatican to become the world’s first carbon-neutral country.
2009: Pope Benedict XVI publishes the well-received encyclical Caritas in Veritate, or “Charity in Truth.”
2012: Three years after launching the Vatican’s official YouTube channel, the tech-savvy pontiff joins Twitter with the handle @Pontifex.
2013: Citing failing health and old age, Benedict announces plan to resign the papacy—the first pontiff to do so in 600 years.