The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

2005: Following the death of Pope John Paul II, Ratzinger is elected as the 265th pope and chooses the pontifical name Pope Benedict XVI.
2005: Pope Benedict XVI celebrates his first canonizations on October 25 in St. Peter’s Square.
2006: By merging four existing pontifical councils into two, Pope Benedict XVI begins his downsizing of the Roman Curia.
2007: Delighting environmental advocacy groups, Pope Benedict XVI announces plans for the Vatican to become the world’s first carbon-neutral country.
2009: Pope Benedict XVI publishes the well-received encyclical Caritas in Veritate, or “Charity in Truth.”
2012: Three years after launching the Vatican’s official YouTube channel, the tech-savvy pontiff joins Twitter with the handle @Pontifex.
2013: Citing failing health and old age, Benedict announces plan to resign the papacy—the first pontiff to do so in 600 years.