The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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The Onion Honors Pope Benedict XVI

2005: Following the death of Pope John Paul II, Ratzinger is elected as the 265th pope and chooses the pontifical name Pope Benedict XVI.
2005: Pope Benedict XVI celebrates his first canonizations on October 25 in St. Peter’s Square.
2006: By merging four existing pontifical councils into two, Pope Benedict XVI begins his downsizing of the Roman Curia.
2007: Delighting environmental advocacy groups, Pope Benedict XVI announces plans for the Vatican to become the world’s first carbon-neutral country.
2009: Pope Benedict XVI publishes the well-received encyclical Caritas in Veritate, or “Charity in Truth.”
2012: Three years after launching the Vatican’s official YouTube channel, the tech-savvy pontiff joins Twitter with the handle @Pontifex.
2013: Citing failing health and old age, Benedict announces plan to resign the papacy—the first pontiff to do so in 600 years.
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