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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time

Carla Miller, 22 || Date of Abortion: March 9, 1986 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Barb Hutchins, 42 || Date of Abortion: August 11, 2009 || Location of Abortion: Cleveland, Ohio
Abbie Miller, 13 || Date of Abortion: June 22, 1990 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Carla Miller, 23 || Date of Abortion: October 15, 1986 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Constance Holgrave, 28 || Date of Abortion: June 30, 1873 || Location of Abortion: Ipswich, Massachusetts
Amy Robinson, 17 || Date of Abortion: May 2, 2006 || Location of Abortion: Atlanta, Georgia
Nancy Reagan, 61 || Date of Abortion: July 6, 1982 || Location of Abortion: Washington, D.C.
Sandy, 7 || Date of Abortion: May 2, 1993 || Location of Abortion: Houston, Texas
Maria Christina, Duchess of Teschen, 22 || Date of Abortion: January 5, 1764 || Location of Abortion: Vienna, Austria
Carla Miller, 24 || Date of Abortion: July 8, 1987 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa

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