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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time

Carla Miller, 22 || Date of Abortion: March 9, 1986 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Barb Hutchins, 42 || Date of Abortion: August 11, 2009 || Location of Abortion: Cleveland, Ohio
Abbie Miller, 13 || Date of Abortion: June 22, 1990 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Carla Miller, 23 || Date of Abortion: October 15, 1986 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa
Constance Holgrave, 28 || Date of Abortion: June 30, 1873 || Location of Abortion: Ipswich, Massachusetts
Amy Robinson, 17 || Date of Abortion: May 2, 2006 || Location of Abortion: Atlanta, Georgia
Nancy Reagan, 61 || Date of Abortion: July 6, 1982 || Location of Abortion: Washington, D.C.
Sandy, 7 || Date of Abortion: May 2, 1993 || Location of Abortion: Houston, Texas
Maria Christina, Duchess of Teschen, 22 || Date of Abortion: January 5, 1764 || Location of Abortion: Vienna, Austria
Carla Miller, 24 || Date of Abortion: July 8, 1987 || Location of Abortion: Davenport, Iowa

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