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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

1. HARVARD UNIVERSITY


Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-To-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

2. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA


School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number Of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has A Big Rock The Students Like To Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree Of Latitude Quarterback Has To Commit Whatever Crimes And Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises On Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing In Doorway Preventing Minority Students From Entering: 51

3. OBERLIN COLLEGE


Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number Of Alums Currently Roaming The Campus, Hearing The Leaves Crunch Underfoot And Wistfully Remembering A Youthful Love Affair: 4

4. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX


Undergraduates: 150,000 students, 5.8 million bots

Biggest Rival: Alumni

Selling Point: Boasts small chat room sizes

Educational Mission: Preparing students for lifetime of checking with assistant manager

Percentage Of Students Pursuing Forensic Criminology From Starbucks: 95 percent

Mascot: Margie the Giant Profit Margin

5. UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT


Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest goddamn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

6. ITT TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, PENSACOLA CAMPUS


Notable Alums: Guys at construction sites wearing a hard hat and tie

Percentage Of Endowment Spent On Refrigerator Coolant: 45 percent

Sister School: Wellesley College

Percentage Of Students Who Saw School’s Ad On Bench And Decided To Turn Lives Around: 98 percent

Admissions Requirement: $25,000

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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