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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

1. HARVARD UNIVERSITY


Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-To-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

2. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA


School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number Of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has A Big Rock The Students Like To Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree Of Latitude Quarterback Has To Commit Whatever Crimes And Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises On Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing In Doorway Preventing Minority Students From Entering: 51

3. OBERLIN COLLEGE


Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number Of Alums Currently Roaming The Campus, Hearing The Leaves Crunch Underfoot And Wistfully Remembering A Youthful Love Affair: 4

4. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX


Undergraduates: 150,000 students, 5.8 million bots

Biggest Rival: Alumni

Selling Point: Boasts small chat room sizes

Educational Mission: Preparing students for lifetime of checking with assistant manager

Percentage Of Students Pursuing Forensic Criminology From Starbucks: 95 percent

Mascot: Margie the Giant Profit Margin

5. UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT


Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest goddamn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

6. ITT TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, PENSACOLA CAMPUS


Notable Alums: Guys at construction sites wearing a hard hat and tie

Percentage Of Endowment Spent On Refrigerator Coolant: 45 percent

Sister School: Wellesley College

Percentage Of Students Who Saw School’s Ad On Bench And Decided To Turn Lives Around: 98 percent

Admissions Requirement: $25,000

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