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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

1. HARVARD UNIVERSITY


Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-To-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

2. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA


School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number Of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has A Big Rock The Students Like To Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree Of Latitude Quarterback Has To Commit Whatever Crimes And Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises On Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing In Doorway Preventing Minority Students From Entering: 51

3. OBERLIN COLLEGE


Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number Of Alums Currently Roaming The Campus, Hearing The Leaves Crunch Underfoot And Wistfully Remembering A Youthful Love Affair: 4

4. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX


Undergraduates: 150,000 students, 5.8 million bots

Biggest Rival: Alumni

Selling Point: Boasts small chat room sizes

Educational Mission: Preparing students for lifetime of checking with assistant manager

Percentage Of Students Pursuing Forensic Criminology From Starbucks: 95 percent

Mascot: Margie the Giant Profit Margin

5. UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT


Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest goddamn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

6. ITT TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, PENSACOLA CAMPUS


Notable Alums: Guys at construction sites wearing a hard hat and tie

Percentage Of Endowment Spent On Refrigerator Coolant: 45 percent

Sister School: Wellesley College

Percentage Of Students Who Saw School’s Ad On Bench And Decided To Turn Lives Around: 98 percent

Admissions Requirement: $25,000

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