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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

1. HARVARD UNIVERSITY


Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-To-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

2. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA


School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number Of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has A Big Rock The Students Like To Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree Of Latitude Quarterback Has To Commit Whatever Crimes And Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises On Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing In Doorway Preventing Minority Students From Entering: 51

3. OBERLIN COLLEGE


Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number Of Alums Currently Roaming The Campus, Hearing The Leaves Crunch Underfoot And Wistfully Remembering A Youthful Love Affair: 4

4. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX


Undergraduates: 150,000 students, 5.8 million bots

Biggest Rival: Alumni

Selling Point: Boasts small chat room sizes

Educational Mission: Preparing students for lifetime of checking with assistant manager

Percentage Of Students Pursuing Forensic Criminology From Starbucks: 95 percent

Mascot: Margie the Giant Profit Margin

5. UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT


Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest goddamn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

6. ITT TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, PENSACOLA CAMPUS


Notable Alums: Guys at construction sites wearing a hard hat and tie

Percentage Of Endowment Spent On Refrigerator Coolant: 45 percent

Sister School: Wellesley College

Percentage Of Students Who Saw School’s Ad On Bench And Decided To Turn Lives Around: 98 percent

Admissions Requirement: $25,000

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