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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings

1. HARVARD UNIVERSITY


Established: Yes. Very.

Entitled-Pissant-To-Faculty Ratio: 7:1

U.S. News & World Report Ranking: 32

Selling Point: Every new student provided with laptop and bone fragment of John F. Kennedy

Motto: Buckle Up!

Endowment: Never enough

2. UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA


School Colors: Crimson painted on pale, backwoods, fleshy white

Number Of Daily Campus Tours: 14,342,902

Has A Big Rock The Students Like To Paint Before Homecoming: Probably

Degree Of Latitude Quarterback Has To Commit Whatever Crimes And Ethics Violations He Wants: Substantial

Subway Franchises On Campus: 104

Years Without State’s Governor Standing In Doorway Preventing Minority Students From Entering: 51

3. OBERLIN COLLEGE


Academic Opportunities: Students able to spend their final year completing a Senior Protest

Selling Point: Career Center offers students connections to hundreds of summer internships that will conflict with their trip to Prague

Most Popular Student Activity: Adding the prefix “cis-” to all nouns

Minority Students: Just enough to stop people from complaining

Free Speech Acceptance: Oberlin has a rich legacy of allowing students to vocalize opinions everyone around them already agrees with

Number Of Alums Currently Roaming The Campus, Hearing The Leaves Crunch Underfoot And Wistfully Remembering A Youthful Love Affair: 4

4. UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX


Undergraduates: 150,000 students, 5.8 million bots

Biggest Rival: Alumni

Selling Point: Boasts small chat room sizes

Educational Mission: Preparing students for lifetime of checking with assistant manager

Percentage Of Students Pursuing Forensic Criminology From Starbucks: 95 percent

Mascot: Margie the Giant Profit Margin

5. UNITED STATES MILITARY ACADEMY AT WEST POINT


Endowment: Spoils of war from last 212 years

Incoming Class: 74 percent of admitted students were the Supreme Allied Commander of their high school class

Enrollment: 4,624 of the lowest goddamn worms this earth has ever seen

Biggest Rivals: Al-Qaeda, Pentagon budget cuts, PTSD

Fun Fact: Alumni have gone on to kill hundreds of thousands of people

6. ITT TECHNICAL INSTITUTE, PENSACOLA CAMPUS


Notable Alums: Guys at construction sites wearing a hard hat and tie

Percentage Of Endowment Spent On Refrigerator Coolant: 45 percent

Sister School: Wellesley College

Percentage Of Students Who Saw School’s Ad On Bench And Decided To Turn Lives Around: 98 percent

Admissions Requirement: $25,000

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