The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Oh, wow, look at that!
Ooh! Look at the pretty green one, sweetie.
Ah, I just love the weeping willow ones.
Wow, did you see that big one, Joshie? Josh? Joshua?! JOSHUA?!!! JOSHUA!!!
Oh my God. Steve, where’s Joshua?!
JOSHUA!!! Scott, where’s your brother?! Did you see him go anywhere? DID YOU SEE HIM GO ANYWHERE?!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!!
No, no, no, no, no...
Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!
Maybe he went over by the guy selling glow sticks—he really liked those. Or the funnel cake stand. Or—I don’t know, I don’t know. Dammit, there are so many goddamn people here—I can’t see anything. Can you see anything, Steve?
JOSH!!! It’s too loud, I don’t think he can hear us. Damn these fucking fireworks! JOSHUA!!!
Excuse me, but—No, you don’t know? Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for my son and—calm down?! Calm down?! I’m trying to find my kid here, okay?! You calm down! JOSHUA!!!
Found him! Oh, my God! Steve, he’s over here! My baby. My baby!
What did we say about leaving the blanket?! What did we say about leaving the blanket, Josh?!
You never walk away from me or Daddy! NEVER! Do you understand? Look at me. Look at me right now. Do you understand me, Joshua?
Do you know how much you scared Mommy when you did that? Do you know how upset Mommy was? No, no, we’re not mad at you, you just can’t do that again.
Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re all okay.
Steve, let’s get out of here. Let’s just leave. Scott, come on, we’re going right now. I don’t want to hear it—we’re leaving. That’s it.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close