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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Oh, wow, look at that!
Whoa!
Ooh! Look at the pretty green one, sweetie.
Ah, I just love the weeping willow ones.
Wow, did you see that big one, Joshie? Josh? Joshua?! JOSHUA?!!! JOSHUA!!!
Oh my God. Steve, where’s Joshua?!
JOSHUA!!! Scott, where’s your brother?! Did you see him go anywhere? DID YOU SEE HIM GO ANYWHERE?!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!!
No, no, no, no, no...
Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!
Maybe he went over by the guy selling glow sticks—he really liked those. Or the funnel cake stand. Or—I don’t know, I don’t know. Dammit, there are so many goddamn people here—I can’t see anything. Can you see anything, Steve?
JOSH!!! It’s too loud, I don’t think he can hear us. Damn these fucking fireworks! JOSHUA!!!
Excuse me, but—No, you don’t know? Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for my son and—calm down?! Calm down?! I’m trying to find my kid here, okay?! You calm down! JOSHUA!!!
Found him! Oh, my God! Steve, he’s over here! My baby. My baby!
What did we say about leaving the blanket?! What did we say about leaving the blanket, Josh?!
You never walk away from me or Daddy! NEVER! Do you understand? Look at me. Look at me right now. Do you understand me, Joshua?
Do you know how much you scared Mommy when you did that? Do you know how upset Mommy was? No, no, we’re not mad at you, you just can’t do that again.
Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re all okay.
Steve, let’s get out of here. Let’s just leave. Scott, come on, we’re going right now. I don’t want to hear it—we’re leaving. That’s it.
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