adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Advertisement
Oh, wow, look at that!
Whoa!
Ooh! Look at the pretty green one, sweetie.
Ah, I just love the weeping willow ones.
Wow, did you see that big one, Joshie? Josh? Joshua?! JOSHUA?!!! JOSHUA!!!
Oh my God. Steve, where’s Joshua?!
JOSHUA!!! Scott, where’s your brother?! Did you see him go anywhere? DID YOU SEE HIM GO ANYWHERE?!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!!
No, no, no, no, no...
Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!
Maybe he went over by the guy selling glow sticks—he really liked those. Or the funnel cake stand. Or—I don’t know, I don’t know. Dammit, there are so many goddamn people here—I can’t see anything. Can you see anything, Steve?
JOSH!!! It’s too loud, I don’t think he can hear us. Damn these fucking fireworks! JOSHUA!!!
Excuse me, but—No, you don’t know? Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for my son and—calm down?! Calm down?! I’m trying to find my kid here, okay?! You calm down! JOSHUA!!!
Found him! Oh, my God! Steve, he’s over here! My baby. My baby!
What did we say about leaving the blanket?! What did we say about leaving the blanket, Josh?!
You never walk away from me or Daddy! NEVER! Do you understand? Look at me. Look at me right now. Do you understand me, Joshua?
Do you know how much you scared Mommy when you did that? Do you know how upset Mommy was? No, no, we’re not mad at you, you just can’t do that again.
Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re all okay.
Steve, let’s get out of here. Let’s just leave. Scott, come on, we’re going right now. I don’t want to hear it—we’re leaving. That’s it.

More from this section

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close