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The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Oh, wow, look at that!
Whoa!
Ooh! Look at the pretty green one, sweetie.
Ah, I just love the weeping willow ones.
Wow, did you see that big one, Joshie? Josh? Joshua?! JOSHUA?!!! JOSHUA!!!
Oh my God. Steve, where’s Joshua?!
JOSHUA!!! Scott, where’s your brother?! Did you see him go anywhere? DID YOU SEE HIM GO ANYWHERE?!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!! JOSHUA!!!
No, no, no, no, no...
Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!
Maybe he went over by the guy selling glow sticks—he really liked those. Or the funnel cake stand. Or—I don’t know, I don’t know. Dammit, there are so many goddamn people here—I can’t see anything. Can you see anything, Steve?
JOSH!!! It’s too loud, I don’t think he can hear us. Damn these fucking fireworks! JOSHUA!!!
Excuse me, but—No, you don’t know? Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for my son and—calm down?! Calm down?! I’m trying to find my kid here, okay?! You calm down! JOSHUA!!!
Found him! Oh, my God! Steve, he’s over here! My baby. My baby!
What did we say about leaving the blanket?! What did we say about leaving the blanket, Josh?!
You never walk away from me or Daddy! NEVER! Do you understand? Look at me. Look at me right now. Do you understand me, Joshua?
Do you know how much you scared Mommy when you did that? Do you know how upset Mommy was? No, no, we’re not mad at you, you just can’t do that again.
Okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. We’re all okay.
Steve, let’s get out of here. Let’s just leave. Scott, come on, we’re going right now. I don’t want to hear it—we’re leaving. That’s it.

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