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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Police Blotter

Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death
Midwest Peace Talks Shattered By Illinois Toll-Booth Bombing
NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death
'Six Flags Killer' Still At Large, Say Souvenir-Bedecked Police
Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Prominence
Murder Suspect To Be Tried By Media: Overworked Justice System Grateful For Help
Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting

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