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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Roast of Ahmadinejad

"I was worried Mahmoud might be acquiring weapons of mass destruction, so I went to speak to his wife about what he might be packing. Based on her information, I've informed my top generals to be on the lookout for an incoming weapon that only appears in the morning, launches too early, and veers to the left." -Pervez Musharraf
"Look at all you silly assholes that came out tonight. Looks like Newsweek threw up in here. If you're all here, I wonder who's running your countries. Course, I wonder that all the time." -Vladimir Putin
"Did you catch Blair trying to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad?' I haven't seen Tony struggle with a mouthful like that since the last time Bush 'briefed him on the war effort,' if you catch my drift." -Kofi Annan
"As a Jew, it's a real honor to be standing in front of the president of Iran. And don't worry if I die up here, Mahmoud—you can just deny it later." -Gilbert Gottfried
"Jesus, Mahmoud. You are one hairy bastard. You look like a gorilla got a bad toupee, a Brooks Brothers charge card, and figured out how to rig an election." -Margaret Thatcher
"It sure is great to see you here tonight in Geneva, Mahmoud--because otherwise who knows what the heck you'd be up to." -King Abdullah

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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