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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The Roast of Ahmadinejad

"I was worried Mahmoud might be acquiring weapons of mass destruction, so I went to speak to his wife about what he might be packing. Based on her information, I've informed my top generals to be on the lookout for an incoming weapon that only appears in the morning, launches too early, and veers to the left." -Pervez Musharraf
"Look at all you silly assholes that came out tonight. Looks like Newsweek threw up in here. If you're all here, I wonder who's running your countries. Course, I wonder that all the time." -Vladimir Putin
"Did you catch Blair trying to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad?' I haven't seen Tony struggle with a mouthful like that since the last time Bush 'briefed him on the war effort,' if you catch my drift." -Kofi Annan
"As a Jew, it's a real honor to be standing in front of the president of Iran. And don't worry if I die up here, Mahmoud—you can just deny it later." -Gilbert Gottfried
"Jesus, Mahmoud. You are one hairy bastard. You look like a gorilla got a bad toupee, a Brooks Brothers charge card, and figured out how to rig an election." -Margaret Thatcher
"It sure is great to see you here tonight in Geneva, Mahmoud--because otherwise who knows what the heck you'd be up to." -King Abdullah

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