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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Roast of Ahmadinejad

"I was worried Mahmoud might be acquiring weapons of mass destruction, so I went to speak to his wife about what he might be packing. Based on her information, I've informed my top generals to be on the lookout for an incoming weapon that only appears in the morning, launches too early, and veers to the left." -Pervez Musharraf
"Look at all you silly assholes that came out tonight. Looks like Newsweek threw up in here. If you're all here, I wonder who's running your countries. Course, I wonder that all the time." -Vladimir Putin
"Did you catch Blair trying to pronounce 'Ahmadinejad?' I haven't seen Tony struggle with a mouthful like that since the last time Bush 'briefed him on the war effort,' if you catch my drift." -Kofi Annan
"As a Jew, it's a real honor to be standing in front of the president of Iran. And don't worry if I die up here, Mahmoud—you can just deny it later." -Gilbert Gottfried
"Jesus, Mahmoud. You are one hairy bastard. You look like a gorilla got a bad toupee, a Brooks Brothers charge card, and figured out how to rig an election." -Margaret Thatcher
"It sure is great to see you here tonight in Geneva, Mahmoud--because otherwise who knows what the heck you'd be up to." -King Abdullah

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