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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips

When it comes to pip blips, Megan Fox takes the cake. Case in point.
Woah! Looks like Keira Knightley ordered up an extra-large order of pip blip, with extra pip.
That’s a SERIOUS pip blip!
Perpetually blip-prone actress Christina Aguilera has a major pip-up while stepping out with gal-pals in New York. Blipped again.
Melissa McCarthy wasn’t afraid to let a pip blip on the red carpet. Talk about a mip trip!
Forget about pip blips. Check out the chip sip on Laura Dern.
What’s flipping hot, has yip-a-licious snips, and rhymes with Plennifer-Ganiston-quip-whip? Why, a Jennifer Aniston pip blip, of course! And none too wibbly, either!
Hold on a sec...is that a kip gip plip or a hip sip tip we’re seeing?
What’s a pip-loving flip-gripster like TV legend Alan Alda doing at a notably blipless film premiere? Why, breaking out a diptastic blipshow, of course! A mip to that tip!
Rip quip sip tip wip chip klip lip? Pip wip dip dip, my flip dip. Pip pip pip blip bip wip dip. Gip it. Gip it and flip it.
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