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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips

Actress Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a dress in this shot, but if she wasn’t then it would be a MAJOR nip slip!
Good thing Jennifer Aniston’s under and outer garments thwarted a pesky nip from popping out!
Paul Reiser’s body was blocking a Helen Hunt nip slip during this 1996 promotional photoshoot for Mad About You.
Here’s a really zoomed-in photo of Eva Longoria’s dress, but, nope, not quite any nipples in sight here.
Worcester, MA paralegal Jennifer Akin just dodged a nip slip of epic proportions!
Whoever lives here should be glad they stayed home today!
TV legend Alan Alda was careful to wear a suit and tie during his walk down the red carpet, preventing the world from seeing those nips!
We almost photoshopped nipples on this tree, but then decided not to.
Over 1.3 billion nip slips here, but fortunately none of them visible from space.
Not a nip slip to be found!
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