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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The War In Iraq

Bush Won't Stop Asking CheneyIf We Can Invade Yet
Kuwait Deploys Troop
Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300If We Go To War
Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle
Dead Iraqi Would Have Loved Democracy
U.S. Takes Out Key Iraqi Bases In Midnight Raid
Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now
137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy
Area Man Supports The TroopsHe Didn't Go To High School With
New Fox Reality ShowTo Determine Ruler Of Iraq
Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91,Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest
U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91,Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest
Saddam Hussein Rules Over Cell With Iron Fist
U.S To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq

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