The War On Terror

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

The War On Terror

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With
Privileged Children Of Millionaires Square Off On World Stage
Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers U.S. One Last Chance To Surrender
Entrepreneur Stuck With 40,000 Unsold Bin Laden Urinal Cakes
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason
Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan
Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism
Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing
Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda
Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six
Report: Al-Qaeda May Be Developing ‘Dirty Soldier’
Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities
Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities
Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog
Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them
Flash-Animated Osama Bin Laden Captured
Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented
Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention