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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The War On Terror

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With
Privileged Children Of Millionaires Square Off On World Stage
Starving, Bandaged Bin Laden Offers U.S. One Last Chance To Surrender
Entrepreneur Stuck With 40,000 Unsold Bin Laden Urinal Cakes
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason
Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason
Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan
Second Birthday In A Row Ruined By Terrorism
Report: Al-Qaeda Allegedly Engaging In Telemarketing
Kevin Bacon Linked To Al-Qaeda
Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six
Report: Al-Qaeda May Be Developing ‘Dirty Soldier’
Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities
Orange Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities
Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog
Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them
Flash-Animated Osama Bin Laden Captured
Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented
Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention
Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

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