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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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This Year In Sports

Mavericks To Incorporate Machetes Into Hack-A-Shaq Defense
Wig-Wearing Mike Tyson Retires From Foxy-Boxing
Kent State Basketball Team Massacred By Ohio National Guard In Repeat Of Classic 1970 Matchup

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