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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Those We Lost In 2011

Sherwood Schwartz: "Brady Bunch" creator Sherwood Schwartz died in 2011. He is survived by a vase that is currently being glued back together.
Andy Rooney: In 2011, keyrings with too many keys on them finally took their revenge by brutally murdering the commentator.
Steve Jobs: Apple’s visionary CEO who tragically died before realizing his lifelong dream of an even slightly thinner MacBook.
Ryan Dunn: This beloved Jackass star’s flame may have sputtered out all too soon, but his memory will burn forever in our hearts.
Kevorkian: Blood Clot That Assisted Jack Kevorkian's Death To Serve Jail Time

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