Those We Lost In 2012 

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Those We Lost In 2012 

Dick Clark: Died on April 18 at the age of 82, following a lifelong 2.6-billion-second countdown.
Daniel Day-Lewis: The British actor once again became lost in his role in this year’s Lincoln. Brilliant!
Mike Wallace: The famed journalist died after accidentally swallowing the 60 Minutes stopwatch.
Dr. Leonid Pavel: Pavel, a Russian nuclear physicist with expertise in activating fusion reactors, died this year during the siege of Gotham. Authorities suspect he was murdered by Bane.
Arctic Glacier #11188586: This 40,000-year-old block of ice disappeared after thirty years of thinning ozone over the arctic.
Sally Ride And Neil Armstrong: The legendary astronauts died within just a few weeks of each other, and we’re supposed to believe it’s a coincidence. What’s NASA hiding?
Walter Cronkite: Cronkite actually died in 2009, but you know what? It still hurts.
Adam Yauch: The Beastie Boys rapper, known by his stage name “MCA,” died in May after uttering his dying wish for thousands across the nation to sing “Sabotage” at karaoke that weekend.
Mom’s Friend From College: Mom hadn’t talked to her in years, but she still took it pretty hard.