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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Those We Lost In 2012 

Dick Clark: Died on April 18 at the age of 82, following a lifelong 2.6-billion-second countdown.
Daniel Day-Lewis: The British actor once again became lost in his role in this year’s Lincoln. Brilliant!
Mike Wallace: The famed journalist died after accidentally swallowing the 60 Minutes stopwatch.
Dr. Leonid Pavel: Pavel, a Russian nuclear physicist with expertise in activating fusion reactors, died this year during the siege of Gotham. Authorities suspect he was murdered by Bane.
Arctic Glacier #11188586: This 40,000-year-old block of ice disappeared after thirty years of thinning ozone over the arctic.
Sally Ride And Neil Armstrong: The legendary astronauts died within just a few weeks of each other, and we’re supposed to believe it’s a coincidence. What’s NASA hiding?
Walter Cronkite: Cronkite actually died in 2009, but you know what? It still hurts.
Adam Yauch: The Beastie Boys rapper, known by his stage name “MCA,” died in May after uttering his dying wish for thousands across the nation to sing “Sabotage” at karaoke that weekend.
Mom’s Friend From College: Mom hadn’t talked to her in years, but she still took it pretty hard.

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