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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Those We Lost In 2012 

Dick Clark: Died on April 18 at the age of 82, following a lifelong 2.6-billion-second countdown.
Daniel Day-Lewis: The British actor once again became lost in his role in this year’s Lincoln. Brilliant!
Mike Wallace: The famed journalist died after accidentally swallowing the 60 Minutes stopwatch.
Dr. Leonid Pavel: Pavel, a Russian nuclear physicist with expertise in activating fusion reactors, died this year during the siege of Gotham. Authorities suspect he was murdered by Bane.
Arctic Glacier #11188586: This 40,000-year-old block of ice disappeared after thirty years of thinning ozone over the arctic.
Sally Ride And Neil Armstrong: The legendary astronauts died within just a few weeks of each other, and we’re supposed to believe it’s a coincidence. What’s NASA hiding?
Walter Cronkite: Cronkite actually died in 2009, but you know what? It still hurts.
Adam Yauch: The Beastie Boys rapper, known by his stage name “MCA,” died in May after uttering his dying wish for thousands across the nation to sing “Sabotage” at karaoke that weekend.
Mom’s Friend From College: Mom hadn’t talked to her in years, but she still took it pretty hard.

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