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Those We Lost In 2012 

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Those We Lost In 2012 

Dick Clark: Died on April 18 at the age of 82, following a lifelong 2.6-billion-second countdown.
Daniel Day-Lewis: The British actor once again became lost in his role in this year’s Lincoln. Brilliant!
Mike Wallace: The famed journalist died after accidentally swallowing the 60 Minutes stopwatch.
Dr. Leonid Pavel: Pavel, a Russian nuclear physicist with expertise in activating fusion reactors, died this year during the siege of Gotham. Authorities suspect he was murdered by Bane.
Arctic Glacier #11188586: This 40,000-year-old block of ice disappeared after thirty years of thinning ozone over the arctic.
Sally Ride And Neil Armstrong: The legendary astronauts died within just a few weeks of each other, and we’re supposed to believe it’s a coincidence. What’s NASA hiding?
Walter Cronkite: Cronkite actually died in 2009, but you know what? It still hurts.
Adam Yauch: The Beastie Boys rapper, known by his stage name “MCA,” died in May after uttering his dying wish for thousands across the nation to sing “Sabotage” at karaoke that weekend.
Mom’s Friend From College: Mom hadn’t talked to her in years, but she still took it pretty hard.

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