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Those We Lost In 2013

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Those We Lost In 2013

Margaret Thatcher: The Iron Lady passed away in April of this year, making her the UK’s first-ever dead female prime minister.
Charlie Trotter: The famed chef died at the age of 54 and generously donated his body to culinary science.
Annette Funicello: Funicello, who died at the age of 70 this year, is best remembered as the illegitimate daughter of Mickey Mouse.
Tom Clancy: On October 1, 2013, the nation said goodbye to the last living member of the Rat Pack.
One Lucky Reader: By clicking on this slide, you’ve entered in a contest to be killed by The Onion before the end of the year! Check on December 31 to see the lucky winner’s face added to this slideshow.
Doris Lessing: Flung from a roller coaster at Six Flags in Dallas.
Dennis Farina: His tragic death in July makes him the latest victim of the Reindeer Games curse.
The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from ‘The Wizard Of Oz’: The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz captured our hearts and is now shut away in complete blackness beneath the earth.
PNV J20233073+2046041: The white dwarf exploded in August after reaching a peak magnitude of 4.3. It is survived by the rest of the Delphinus constellation.

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