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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Those We Lost In 2013

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Margaret Thatcher: The Iron Lady passed away in April of this year, making her the UK’s first-ever dead female prime minister.
Charlie Trotter: The famed chef died at the age of 54 and generously donated his body to culinary science.
Annette Funicello: Funicello, who died at the age of 70 this year, is best remembered as the illegitimate daughter of Mickey Mouse.
Tom Clancy: On October 1, 2013, the nation said goodbye to the last living member of the Rat Pack.
One Lucky Reader: By clicking on this slide, you’ve entered in a contest to be killed by The Onion before the end of the year! Check on December 31 to see the lucky winner’s face added to this slideshow.
Doris Lessing: Flung from a roller coaster at Six Flags in Dallas.
Dennis Farina: His tragic death in July makes him the latest victim of the Reindeer Games curse.
The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from ‘The Wizard Of Oz’: The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz captured our hearts and is now shut away in complete blackness beneath the earth.
PNV J20233073+2046041: The white dwarf exploded in August after reaching a peak magnitude of 4.3. It is survived by the rest of the Delphinus constellation.

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