Those We Lost In 2013

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Those We Lost In 2013

Margaret Thatcher: The Iron Lady passed away in April of this year, making her the UK’s first-ever dead female prime minister.
Charlie Trotter: The famed chef died at the age of 54 and generously donated his body to culinary science.
Annette Funicello: Funicello, who died at the age of 70 this year, is best remembered as the illegitimate daughter of Mickey Mouse.
Tom Clancy: On October 1, 2013, the nation said goodbye to the last living member of the Rat Pack.
One Lucky Reader: By clicking on this slide, you’ve entered in a contest to be killed by The Onion before the end of the year! Check on December 31 to see the lucky winner’s face added to this slideshow.
Doris Lessing: Flung from a roller coaster at Six Flags in Dallas.
Dennis Farina: His tragic death in July makes him the latest victim of the Reindeer Games curse.
The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from ‘The Wizard Of Oz’: The singing, dancing flowerpot munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz captured our hearts and is now shut away in complete blackness beneath the earth.
PNV J20233073+2046041: The white dwarf exploded in August after reaching a peak magnitude of 4.3. It is survived by the rest of the Delphinus constellation.