Those We Should Have Lost In 2012

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Those We Should Have Lost In 2012

Northern Sportive Lemur: Scientists aren’t sure how these primates have held on for so long. This guy should have kicked the bucket already.
Grandpa Jerry: He is 94 and just sitting on a big pile of money he’s not doing anything with. Come on, already.
Neil Armstrong’s Wife: Only because it would have been poetic, you know?
Guy Crossing Street In Traffic: Who does he think he his? Lucky he didn’t get himself killed.
Michael Clarke Duncan: What’s that? He did die? That’s too bad.
Sgt. Nicholas Brody: Homeland writers so could have killed him off. They know they could have. Would have made the show much better, too. But they pussied out. Of course.
Me: It should have been me. It should have been me!
Danny: After he knocked Dad’s camera off the table and broke it, we all thought he was going to be dead meat.


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