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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Those We Should Have Lost In 2012

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Northern Sportive Lemur: Scientists aren’t sure how these primates have held on for so long. This guy should have kicked the bucket already.
Grandpa Jerry: He is 94 and just sitting on a big pile of money he’s not doing anything with. Come on, already.
Neil Armstrong’s Wife: Only because it would have been poetic, you know?
Guy Crossing Street In Traffic: Who does he think he his? Lucky he didn’t get himself killed.
Michael Clarke Duncan: What’s that? He did die? That’s too bad.
Sgt. Nicholas Brody: Homeland writers so could have killed him off. They know they could have. Would have made the show much better, too. But they pussied out. Of course.
Me: It should have been me. It should have been me!
Danny: After he knocked Dad’s camera off the table and broke it, we all thought he was going to be dead meat.

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