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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today

Blarnard, ND: With the newly built Mayor Anthony Crawford Convention Center drawing top annual shareholder meetings from such companies as Dixon-Doyle, Grayson Injection, and Manx Tech, outsiders are finally starting to discover all that beautiful Blarnard has to offer.
Clara Vista, CA: Safe, affordable, and within easy commuting distance of the greater Duncan-Rio Rodrigo metro area, Clara Vista has become one of the hottest small towns in the country.
San Barquito, Chile: “The Emerald of the South Pacific,” this picturesque Chilean town offers gorgeous seaside views, delicious Ignacian cuisine, and the biggest party in the world at the annual Ardillas Locas festival.
Groverton, PA: No longer known only as the site of the tragic Groverton Riots of 1965, Grovertonians have put their town’s tumultuous past behind them, remaking the city into a destination eco-hub, home to the solar-powered DORB mass transit system and the nation’s first fully green firehouse!
Wixon, CO: With five major colleges within a 10-mile radius—Kellen College, JCU, Millin Tech, Stretford A&M, and Wellton—the city is abuzz with thousands of young people. And you can’t go wrong with the delectable Mountain Top Fries at world-famous Findley’s Grill in downtown Wixon!
Jenkley City, WA: Renowned for years as “America’s Enchanted Gateway,” Jenkley City is also famous for its red-hot indie music scene, having spawned such influential bands as the Jack Remys, Feint Trade, Session, Forty Forty, and Addison Prime.
Frutters, TX: Frutters has grown into an international transportation hub, with the major James Monroe International Airport bringing residents from all over the world. The inspiring Frutters skyline features the famous Pleck Building, one of the tallest in the United States.
Kadilkyja, Finland: Despite being nearly wiped off the map in the Ice Wars, the city of Kadilkyja has rebounded handily, and was famously once home to an expatriate community of writers including poet John Santora, novelist Willa Haughney, and playwright David Michael Pague.
Elma, NH: Perhaps most famous as the setting for the hit 1992 Ed Harris–Jeanne Tripplehorn romantic comedy Fool’s Paradise, Elma still attracts visitors for its cobblestone streets, quaint shops, and spectacular fall foliage.
Flemengarr, Lorvenshenia: The capital of Lorvenshenia, Flemengarr is world-famous for its Fashion Week, drawing top designers from around the world. With its pristine beaches, Flemengarr is also one of the most popular summer spots in the world, and is just a stone’s throw from nearby major cities Myria, Hilch, and Güffendeir.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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