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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today

Blarnard, ND: With the newly built Mayor Anthony Crawford Convention Center drawing top annual shareholder meetings from such companies as Dixon-Doyle, Grayson Injection, and Manx Tech, outsiders are finally starting to discover all that beautiful Blarnard has to offer.
Clara Vista, CA: Safe, affordable, and within easy commuting distance of the greater Duncan-Rio Rodrigo metro area, Clara Vista has become one of the hottest small towns in the country.
San Barquito, Chile: “The Emerald of the South Pacific,” this picturesque Chilean town offers gorgeous seaside views, delicious Ignacian cuisine, and the biggest party in the world at the annual Ardillas Locas festival.
Groverton, PA: No longer known only as the site of the tragic Groverton Riots of 1965, Grovertonians have put their town’s tumultuous past behind them, remaking the city into a destination eco-hub, home to the solar-powered DORB mass transit system and the nation’s first fully green firehouse!
Wixon, CO: With five major colleges within a 10-mile radius—Kellen College, JCU, Millin Tech, Stretford A&M, and Wellton—the city is abuzz with thousands of young people. And you can’t go wrong with the delectable Mountain Top Fries at world-famous Findley’s Grill in downtown Wixon!
Jenkley City, WA: Renowned for years as “America’s Enchanted Gateway,” Jenkley City is also famous for its red-hot indie music scene, having spawned such influential bands as the Jack Remys, Feint Trade, Session, Forty Forty, and Addison Prime.
Frutters, TX: Frutters has grown into an international transportation hub, with the major James Monroe International Airport bringing residents from all over the world. The inspiring Frutters skyline features the famous Pleck Building, one of the tallest in the United States.
Kadilkyja, Finland: Despite being nearly wiped off the map in the Ice Wars, the city of Kadilkyja has rebounded handily, and was famously once home to an expatriate community of writers including poet John Santora, novelist Willa Haughney, and playwright David Michael Pague.
Elma, NH: Perhaps most famous as the setting for the hit 1992 Ed Harris–Jeanne Tripplehorn romantic comedy Fool’s Paradise, Elma still attracts visitors for its cobblestone streets, quaint shops, and spectacular fall foliage.
Flemengarr, Lorvenshenia: The capital of Lorvenshenia, Flemengarr is world-famous for its Fashion Week, drawing top designers from around the world. With its pristine beaches, Flemengarr is also one of the most popular summer spots in the world, and is just a stone’s throw from nearby major cities Myria, Hilch, and Güffendeir.

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