adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
End Of Section
  • More News

Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today

Blarnard, ND: With the newly built Mayor Anthony Crawford Convention Center drawing top annual shareholder meetings from such companies as Dixon-Doyle, Grayson Injection, and Manx Tech, outsiders are finally starting to discover all that beautiful Blarnard has to offer.
Clara Vista, CA: Safe, affordable, and within easy commuting distance of the greater Duncan-Rio Rodrigo metro area, Clara Vista has become one of the hottest small towns in the country.
San Barquito, Chile: “The Emerald of the South Pacific,” this picturesque Chilean town offers gorgeous seaside views, delicious Ignacian cuisine, and the biggest party in the world at the annual Ardillas Locas festival.
Groverton, PA: No longer known only as the site of the tragic Groverton Riots of 1965, Grovertonians have put their town’s tumultuous past behind them, remaking the city into a destination eco-hub, home to the solar-powered DORB mass transit system and the nation’s first fully green firehouse!
Wixon, CO: With five major colleges within a 10-mile radius—Kellen College, JCU, Millin Tech, Stretford A&M, and Wellton—the city is abuzz with thousands of young people. And you can’t go wrong with the delectable Mountain Top Fries at world-famous Findley’s Grill in downtown Wixon!
Jenkley City, WA: Renowned for years as “America’s Enchanted Gateway,” Jenkley City is also famous for its red-hot indie music scene, having spawned such influential bands as the Jack Remys, Feint Trade, Session, Forty Forty, and Addison Prime.
Frutters, TX: Frutters has grown into an international transportation hub, with the major James Monroe International Airport bringing residents from all over the world. The inspiring Frutters skyline features the famous Pleck Building, one of the tallest in the United States.
Kadilkyja, Finland: Despite being nearly wiped off the map in the Ice Wars, the city of Kadilkyja has rebounded handily, and was famously once home to an expatriate community of writers including poet John Santora, novelist Willa Haughney, and playwright David Michael Pague.
Elma, NH: Perhaps most famous as the setting for the hit 1992 Ed Harris–Jeanne Tripplehorn romantic comedy Fool’s Paradise, Elma still attracts visitors for its cobblestone streets, quaint shops, and spectacular fall foliage.
Flemengarr, Lorvenshenia: The capital of Lorvenshenia, Flemengarr is world-famous for its Fashion Week, drawing top designers from around the world. With its pristine beaches, Flemengarr is also one of the most popular summer spots in the world, and is just a stone’s throw from nearby major cities Myria, Hilch, and Güffendeir.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close