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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Top 10 Spring Break Destinations

Cancun: This picturesque locale’s perfect climate and sandy beaches have been attracting the worst white people in the world since the 16th century.

Puerto Vallarta: A popular spot for spring breakers who prefer the more charming and historic feel of passing out on a cobblestone street.

Daytona Beach: This popular beach is located within U.S. borders, so you won’t need to know Spanish when you report your friend Melissa missing.

Aunt Terry’s: You should really visit before she gets any sicker.

Las Vegas: If you don’t make it to Vegas during spring break, you might not get another opportunity until your friends start having their bachelor parties, birthday parties, college reunions, girls’ weekends, and midlife crises at this gambling hotspot.

Ann Arbor: Every year, this spring break destination attracts thousands of college students who are too far behind on their American Lit essays to spend a whole fucking week in Mexico.

Afghanistan: Thousands of hard-bodied 18-year-old Americans that frequent these rugged mountain passes under threat of Taliban incursion are waiting for you.

St. Louis: Remains the premier spring break destination for those who have no idea how to do spring break.

K2’s Death Zone: Once a thriving center of spring break activity, the upper reaches of this bitterly cold, 28,000-foot-high peak have been losing popularity due to their inaccessibility and a string of deaths.

Isle Of Jager’bom: Thousands of college students perish each year crisscrossing the Gulf of Mexico attempting to find this long fabled spring break paradise, which is rumored to be covered in dazzling fountains of Keystone Light and ice luges that stretch all the way toward the heavens, but which is reputedly only visible to Delta Tau brothers of purest heart.

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