adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

Advertisement
Josh Gibson, Junior: Milly’s boyfriend for the past three months, was there for her when she got in that huge fight with her mom
Mark Fitz, Junior: Dated Jessica last year for six months, but dumped her for Lisa Marquist because she’s super easy and Milly wouldn’t put out yet
Sam Robbins, Junior: Kind of quiet and a little weird, but reliable locker room sources confirm he’s got a humongous dick
Ben Stern, Junior: Felt up Milly on the Giant Gondola Wheel during their eighth-grade class picnic at Michigan's Adventure theme park
Jared Reemer, Senior: Dunked a basketball during last night's game against Brownsville and Milly saw it
Todd Schultz: With really weird hair, fucked-up teeth, and a huge scar on his stomach that everyone makes fun of, Schultz doesn't have a chance in hell, but God bless him if he can pull it off

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close