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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

Josh Gibson, Junior: Milly’s boyfriend for the past three months, was there for her when she got in that huge fight with her mom
Mark Fitz, Junior: Dated Jessica last year for six months, but dumped her for Lisa Marquist because she’s super easy and Milly wouldn’t put out yet
Sam Robbins, Junior: Kind of quiet and a little weird, but reliable locker room sources confirm he’s got a humongous dick
Ben Stern, Junior: Felt up Milly on the Giant Gondola Wheel during their eighth-grade class picnic at Michigan's Adventure theme park
Jared Reemer, Senior: Dunked a basketball during last night's game against Brownsville and Milly saw it
Todd Schultz: With really weird hair, fucked-up teeth, and a huge scar on his stomach that everyone makes fun of, Schultz doesn't have a chance in hell, but God bless him if he can pull it off

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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