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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

Josh Gibson, Junior: Milly’s boyfriend for the past three months, was there for her when she got in that huge fight with her mom
Mark Fitz, Junior: Dated Jessica last year for six months, but dumped her for Lisa Marquist because she’s super easy and Milly wouldn’t put out yet
Sam Robbins, Junior: Kind of quiet and a little weird, but reliable locker room sources confirm he’s got a humongous dick
Ben Stern, Junior: Felt up Milly on the Giant Gondola Wheel during their eighth-grade class picnic at Michigan's Adventure theme park
Jared Reemer, Senior: Dunked a basketball during last night's game against Brownsville and Milly saw it
Todd Schultz: With really weird hair, fucked-up teeth, and a huge scar on his stomach that everyone makes fun of, Schultz doesn't have a chance in hell, but God bless him if he can pull it off

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