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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

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Josh Gibson, Junior: Milly’s boyfriend for the past three months, was there for her when she got in that huge fight with her mom
Mark Fitz, Junior: Dated Jessica last year for six months, but dumped her for Lisa Marquist because she’s super easy and Milly wouldn’t put out yet
Sam Robbins, Junior: Kind of quiet and a little weird, but reliable locker room sources confirm he’s got a humongous dick
Ben Stern, Junior: Felt up Milly on the Giant Gondola Wheel during their eighth-grade class picnic at Michigan's Adventure theme park
Jared Reemer, Senior: Dunked a basketball during last night's game against Brownsville and Milly saw it
Todd Schultz: With really weird hair, fucked-up teeth, and a huge scar on his stomach that everyone makes fun of, Schultz doesn't have a chance in hell, but God bless him if he can pull it off

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