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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

Josh Gibson, Junior: Milly’s boyfriend for the past three months, was there for her when she got in that huge fight with her mom
Mark Fitz, Junior: Dated Jessica last year for six months, but dumped her for Lisa Marquist because she’s super easy and Milly wouldn’t put out yet
Sam Robbins, Junior: Kind of quiet and a little weird, but reliable locker room sources confirm he’s got a humongous dick
Ben Stern, Junior: Felt up Milly on the Giant Gondola Wheel during their eighth-grade class picnic at Michigan's Adventure theme park
Jared Reemer, Senior: Dunked a basketball during last night's game against Brownsville and Milly saw it
Todd Schultz: With really weird hair, fucked-up teeth, and a huge scar on his stomach that everyone makes fun of, Schultz doesn't have a chance in hell, but God bless him if he can pull it off

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