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Top Newsmakers Of 2013

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Top Newsmakers Of 2013

Pile of Debris: Pile of Debris was everywhere this year. From Syria to Egypt to the Philippines, this collection of fragmented building material couldn’t get off the front page.
13-Year Old Girl Who Sailed Across Ocean: Something like this happened this year. If not across the ocean then some really long distance or without an emergency engine. Maybe it was a boy, or it was actually a brother and sister duo. Could have been a solar-powered car.
The White Race: The Nordic, Alpine, and Mediterranean subdivisions of the great Caucasian peoples maintained their well-deserved influence over world events in 2013, holding their position as the trailblazers of the known world.
Rob Ford: The disgraced Canadian politician was effectively forced out of office in November after failing to enact the across-the-board tax reforms that were the cornerstone of his election campaign.
Roberto Montoya: This professional forger’s copy of Francis Bacon’s Three Studies Of Lucian Freud sold for a record $142.4 million at Christie’s auction house.
Video “Gaming”: Could it change the way YOUR kids play? That’s not a cartoon they’re watching, they’re actually controlling the images on the screen!
Minimum-Wage Worker: 2013 was the undoubtedly the Year of the Minimum-Wage Worker after protests for raising the living wages of employees effected absolutely no change whatsoever.
Barack Obama: The beginning of the president’s second term was plagued with a troubled health care rollout, congressional budget woes, NSA leaks, orca whale abuse, sudden E. coli scares, gun control debate, James Gandolfini’s death, website redesigns, instability in the Middle East, mass shootings, underwhelming box office numbers, building collapses, animal overpopulation, foreclosures, FDA approvals, internet privacy concerns, the cancellation of Enlightened, hostage crises, flash floods, controversial tweets, papal resignations, NFL player safety issues, corruption in local government, pop bands breaking up, predatory lending, massive manhunts, mass protests, military coups, a Miami Heat championship, record high temperatures, NTSB investigations, medical malpractice lawsuits, vacant storefronts, rampant online piracy, bankruptcies, ongoing threats from al-Qaeda, rising sea levels, and worldwide hunger.
Pope Francis: A progressive, empathetic pope who has brought nothing but shame to the Catholic Church.

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