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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Top Newsmakers Of 2013

Pile of Debris: Pile of Debris was everywhere this year. From Syria to Egypt to the Philippines, this collection of fragmented building material couldn’t get off the front page.
13-Year Old Girl Who Sailed Across Ocean: Something like this happened this year. If not across the ocean then some really long distance or without an emergency engine. Maybe it was a boy, or it was actually a brother and sister duo. Could have been a solar-powered car.
The White Race: The Nordic, Alpine, and Mediterranean subdivisions of the great Caucasian peoples maintained their well-deserved influence over world events in 2013, holding their position as the trailblazers of the known world.
Rob Ford: The disgraced Canadian politician was effectively forced out of office in November after failing to enact the across-the-board tax reforms that were the cornerstone of his election campaign.
Roberto Montoya: This professional forger’s copy of Francis Bacon’s Three Studies Of Lucian Freud sold for a record $142.4 million at Christie’s auction house.
Video “Gaming”: Could it change the way YOUR kids play? That’s not a cartoon they’re watching, they’re actually controlling the images on the screen!
Minimum-Wage Worker: 2013 was the undoubtedly the Year of the Minimum-Wage Worker after protests for raising the living wages of employees effected absolutely no change whatsoever.
Barack Obama: The beginning of the president’s second term was plagued with a troubled health care rollout, congressional budget woes, NSA leaks, orca whale abuse, sudden E. coli scares, gun control debate, James Gandolfini’s death, website redesigns, instability in the Middle East, mass shootings, underwhelming box office numbers, building collapses, animal overpopulation, foreclosures, FDA approvals, internet privacy concerns, the cancellation of Enlightened, hostage crises, flash floods, controversial tweets, papal resignations, NFL player safety issues, corruption in local government, pop bands breaking up, predatory lending, massive manhunts, mass protests, military coups, a Miami Heat championship, record high temperatures, NTSB investigations, medical malpractice lawsuits, vacant storefronts, rampant online piracy, bankruptcies, ongoing threats from al-Qaeda, rising sea levels, and worldwide hunger.
Pope Francis: A progressive, empathetic pope who has brought nothing but shame to the Catholic Church.

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