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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Newsmakers Of 2013

Pile of Debris: Pile of Debris was everywhere this year. From Syria to Egypt to the Philippines, this collection of fragmented building material couldn’t get off the front page.
13-Year Old Girl Who Sailed Across Ocean: Something like this happened this year. If not across the ocean then some really long distance or without an emergency engine. Maybe it was a boy, or it was actually a brother and sister duo. Could have been a solar-powered car.
The White Race: The Nordic, Alpine, and Mediterranean subdivisions of the great Caucasian peoples maintained their well-deserved influence over world events in 2013, holding their position as the trailblazers of the known world.
Rob Ford: The disgraced Canadian politician was effectively forced out of office in November after failing to enact the across-the-board tax reforms that were the cornerstone of his election campaign.
Roberto Montoya: This professional forger’s copy of Francis Bacon’s Three Studies Of Lucian Freud sold for a record $142.4 million at Christie’s auction house.
Video “Gaming”: Could it change the way YOUR kids play? That’s not a cartoon they’re watching, they’re actually controlling the images on the screen!
Minimum-Wage Worker: 2013 was the undoubtedly the Year of the Minimum-Wage Worker after protests for raising the living wages of employees effected absolutely no change whatsoever.
Barack Obama: The beginning of the president’s second term was plagued with a troubled health care rollout, congressional budget woes, NSA leaks, orca whale abuse, sudden E. coli scares, gun control debate, James Gandolfini’s death, website redesigns, instability in the Middle East, mass shootings, underwhelming box office numbers, building collapses, animal overpopulation, foreclosures, FDA approvals, internet privacy concerns, the cancellation of Enlightened, hostage crises, flash floods, controversial tweets, papal resignations, NFL player safety issues, corruption in local government, pop bands breaking up, predatory lending, massive manhunts, mass protests, military coups, a Miami Heat championship, record high temperatures, NTSB investigations, medical malpractice lawsuits, vacant storefronts, rampant online piracy, bankruptcies, ongoing threats from al-Qaeda, rising sea levels, and worldwide hunger.
Pope Francis: A progressive, empathetic pope who has brought nothing but shame to the Catholic Church.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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