Top Quotes From 2013

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Top Quotes From 2013

Ariel Castro: “Your honor, I’d be happy to take the lion’s share of the blame for this one.”
Bashar al-Assad: “Honestly, I didn’t see myself living long enough to get a quote into The Onion’s list of top quotes this year, but here I am. Well, here’s to next year!”
Foot Locker sales associate Jeremy Ward: “I just checked in back and we don’t have any in size 12 or 12 and a half, but I can call our Wilton location to see if they do.”
Tamerlan Tsarnaev: “If anything goes wrong, Dzhokhar, we hide in boats.”
Roger Federer: “Ungh! Ach! Unh! Unh!”
George Zimmerman: “Great party, Lorne.”
Chemistry Nobel Prize Winner Michael Levitt: “The method considers the complete enzyme-substrate complex together with the surrounding solvent and evaluates all the different quantum mechanical and classical energy factors that can affect the reaction pathway. These factors include the quantum mechanical energies associated with bond cleavage and charge redistribution of the substrate and the classical energies of steric and electrostatic interactions.”