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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Top Quotes From 2013

Ariel Castro: “Your honor, I’d be happy to take the lion’s share of the blame for this one.”
Bashar al-Assad: “Honestly, I didn’t see myself living long enough to get a quote into The Onion’s list of top quotes this year, but here I am. Well, here’s to next year!”
Foot Locker sales associate Jeremy Ward: “I just checked in back and we don’t have any in size 12 or 12 and a half, but I can call our Wilton location to see if they do.”
Tamerlan Tsarnaev: “If anything goes wrong, Dzhokhar, we hide in boats.”
Roger Federer: “Ungh! Ach! Unh! Unh!”
George Zimmerman: “Great party, Lorne.”
Chemistry Nobel Prize Winner Michael Levitt: “The method considers the complete enzyme-substrate complex together with the surrounding solvent and evaluates all the different quantum mechanical and classical energy factors that can affect the reaction pathway. These factors include the quantum mechanical energies associated with bond cleavage and charge redistribution of the substrate and the classical energies of steric and electrostatic interactions.”

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