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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Top Quotes From 2013

Ariel Castro: “Your honor, I’d be happy to take the lion’s share of the blame for this one.”
Bashar al-Assad: “Honestly, I didn’t see myself living long enough to get a quote into The Onion’s list of top quotes this year, but here I am. Well, here’s to next year!”
Foot Locker sales associate Jeremy Ward: “I just checked in back and we don’t have any in size 12 or 12 and a half, but I can call our Wilton location to see if they do.”
Tamerlan Tsarnaev: “If anything goes wrong, Dzhokhar, we hide in boats.”
Roger Federer: “Ungh! Ach! Unh! Unh!”
George Zimmerman: “Great party, Lorne.”
Chemistry Nobel Prize Winner Michael Levitt: “The method considers the complete enzyme-substrate complex together with the surrounding solvent and evaluates all the different quantum mechanical and classical energy factors that can affect the reaction pathway. These factors include the quantum mechanical energies associated with bond cleavage and charge redistribution of the substrate and the classical energies of steric and electrostatic interactions.”
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