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Top Quotes From 2013

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Top Quotes From 2013

Ariel Castro: “Your honor, I’d be happy to take the lion’s share of the blame for this one.”
Bashar al-Assad: “Honestly, I didn’t see myself living long enough to get a quote into The Onion’s list of top quotes this year, but here I am. Well, here’s to next year!”
Foot Locker sales associate Jeremy Ward: “I just checked in back and we don’t have any in size 12 or 12 and a half, but I can call our Wilton location to see if they do.”
Tamerlan Tsarnaev: “If anything goes wrong, Dzhokhar, we hide in boats.”
Roger Federer: “Ungh! Ach! Unh! Unh!”
George Zimmerman: “Great party, Lorne.”
Chemistry Nobel Prize Winner Michael Levitt: “The method considers the complete enzyme-substrate complex together with the surrounding solvent and evaluates all the different quantum mechanical and classical energy factors that can affect the reaction pathway. These factors include the quantum mechanical energies associated with bond cleavage and charge redistribution of the substrate and the classical energies of steric and electrostatic interactions.”

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