Top Quotes From 2013

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Top Quotes From 2013

Ariel Castro: “Your honor, I’d be happy to take the lion’s share of the blame for this one.”
Bashar al-Assad: “Honestly, I didn’t see myself living long enough to get a quote into The Onion’s list of top quotes this year, but here I am. Well, here’s to next year!”
Foot Locker sales associate Jeremy Ward: “I just checked in back and we don’t have any in size 12 or 12 and a half, but I can call our Wilton location to see if they do.”
Tamerlan Tsarnaev: “If anything goes wrong, Dzhokhar, we hide in boats.”
Roger Federer: “Ungh! Ach! Unh! Unh!”
George Zimmerman: “Great party, Lorne.”
Chemistry Nobel Prize Winner Michael Levitt: “The method considers the complete enzyme-substrate complex together with the surrounding solvent and evaluates all the different quantum mechanical and classical energy factors that can affect the reaction pathway. These factors include the quantum mechanical energies associated with bond cleavage and charge redistribution of the substrate and the classical energies of steric and electrostatic interactions.”


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