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Top Quotes Of 2012

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Top Quotes Of 2012

Christian Slater: “Create your own pie crust by crushing graham crackers into a zipper bag, then running a rolling pin over it.”
Nate Silver, January 20: “With the limited information available to us now, in mid-January 2012, the most probable scenario is that Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination and go on to lose the election to Barack Obama by 126 electoral votes. Leaked comments disparaging 47 percent of Americans as ‘entitled’ will hurt Romney, as will Obama’s heroic resolve in the face of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction. Weed will be legalized in Colorado and Washington, Petraeus will resign amid disgrace, and I’m going with Giants over Patriots, 21-17.”
Billy Crystal, after Octavia Spencer’s Best Supporting Actress win at the Academy Awards: “How about that! Another black Oscar winner.”
Ban Ki-Moon: “If the nations of the world were a hearty stew, diplomacy would be the meats and lentils; tolerance the herbs and spices; and love the broth.”
Mitt Romney, May 17: “As this is a private event, I will now perform an impression I’ve been developing of a man committing a terrible political mistake.”
Pittsburgh resident David Koenig’s wife, Angie Koenig: “David, it’s over. I’m leaving.”
Bashar al-Assad, September 21: “I’ll have the salmon. Can I sub in sweet potato fries instead of mashed potatoes?”
Malia Obama: “Keep it down, Tagg, my parents are in the next room!”
Paula Broadwell, in an email to Tampa socialite Jill Kelley: “We’ve never met, but I’m the woman who’s having an affair with David Petraeus.”
The New York Times editorial board: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is the single greatest compendium of information in the history of the written word.”
Stephen Hawking: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge has opened my eyes to so many things I had never known before. It is a triumph of human achievement.”
Nelson Mandela: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is such a larger achievement than anything I ever accomplished.”

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