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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Top Quotes Of 2012

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Christian Slater: “Create your own pie crust by crushing graham crackers into a zipper bag, then running a rolling pin over it.”
Nate Silver, January 20: “With the limited information available to us now, in mid-January 2012, the most probable scenario is that Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination and go on to lose the election to Barack Obama by 126 electoral votes. Leaked comments disparaging 47 percent of Americans as ‘entitled’ will hurt Romney, as will Obama’s heroic resolve in the face of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction. Weed will be legalized in Colorado and Washington, Petraeus will resign amid disgrace, and I’m going with Giants over Patriots, 21-17.”
Billy Crystal, after Octavia Spencer’s Best Supporting Actress win at the Academy Awards: “How about that! Another black Oscar winner.”
Ban Ki-Moon: “If the nations of the world were a hearty stew, diplomacy would be the meats and lentils; tolerance the herbs and spices; and love the broth.”
Mitt Romney, May 17: “As this is a private event, I will now perform an impression I’ve been developing of a man committing a terrible political mistake.”
Pittsburgh resident David Koenig’s wife, Angie Koenig: “David, it’s over. I’m leaving.”
Bashar al-Assad, September 21: “I’ll have the salmon. Can I sub in sweet potato fries instead of mashed potatoes?”
Malia Obama: “Keep it down, Tagg, my parents are in the next room!”
Paula Broadwell, in an email to Tampa socialite Jill Kelley: “We’ve never met, but I’m the woman who’s having an affair with David Petraeus.”
The New York Times editorial board: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is the single greatest compendium of information in the history of the written word.”
Stephen Hawking: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge has opened my eyes to so many things I had never known before. It is a triumph of human achievement.”
Nelson Mandela: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is such a larger achievement than anything I ever accomplished.”

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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