Top Quotes Of 2012

Top Headlines

Recent News

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Top Quotes Of 2012

Christian Slater: “Create your own pie crust by crushing graham crackers into a zipper bag, then running a rolling pin over it.”
Nate Silver, January 20: “With the limited information available to us now, in mid-January 2012, the most probable scenario is that Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination and go on to lose the election to Barack Obama by 126 electoral votes. Leaked comments disparaging 47 percent of Americans as ‘entitled’ will hurt Romney, as will Obama’s heroic resolve in the face of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction. Weed will be legalized in Colorado and Washington, Petraeus will resign amid disgrace, and I’m going with Giants over Patriots, 21-17.”
Billy Crystal, after Octavia Spencer’s Best Supporting Actress win at the Academy Awards: “How about that! Another black Oscar winner.”
Ban Ki-Moon: “If the nations of the world were a hearty stew, diplomacy would be the meats and lentils; tolerance the herbs and spices; and love the broth.”
Mitt Romney, May 17: “As this is a private event, I will now perform an impression I’ve been developing of a man committing a terrible political mistake.”
Pittsburgh resident David Koenig’s wife, Angie Koenig: “David, it’s over. I’m leaving.”
Bashar al-Assad, September 21: “I’ll have the salmon. Can I sub in sweet potato fries instead of mashed potatoes?”
Malia Obama: “Keep it down, Tagg, my parents are in the next room!”
Paula Broadwell, in an email to Tampa socialite Jill Kelley: “We’ve never met, but I’m the woman who’s having an affair with David Petraeus.”
The New York Times editorial board: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is the single greatest compendium of information in the history of the written word.”
Stephen Hawking: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge has opened my eyes to so many things I had never known before. It is a triumph of human achievement.”
Nelson Mandela: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is such a larger achievement than anything I ever accomplished.”