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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Top Quotes Of 2012

Christian Slater: “Create your own pie crust by crushing graham crackers into a zipper bag, then running a rolling pin over it.”
Nate Silver, January 20: “With the limited information available to us now, in mid-January 2012, the most probable scenario is that Mitt Romney will win the Republican nomination and go on to lose the election to Barack Obama by 126 electoral votes. Leaked comments disparaging 47 percent of Americans as ‘entitled’ will hurt Romney, as will Obama’s heroic resolve in the face of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction. Weed will be legalized in Colorado and Washington, Petraeus will resign amid disgrace, and I’m going with Giants over Patriots, 21-17.”
Billy Crystal, after Octavia Spencer’s Best Supporting Actress win at the Academy Awards: “How about that! Another black Oscar winner.”
Ban Ki-Moon: “If the nations of the world were a hearty stew, diplomacy would be the meats and lentils; tolerance the herbs and spices; and love the broth.”
Mitt Romney, May 17: “As this is a private event, I will now perform an impression I’ve been developing of a man committing a terrible political mistake.”
Pittsburgh resident David Koenig’s wife, Angie Koenig: “David, it’s over. I’m leaving.”
Bashar al-Assad, September 21: “I’ll have the salmon. Can I sub in sweet potato fries instead of mashed potatoes?”
Malia Obama: “Keep it down, Tagg, my parents are in the next room!”
Paula Broadwell, in an email to Tampa socialite Jill Kelley: “We’ve never met, but I’m the woman who’s having an affair with David Petraeus.”
The New York Times editorial board: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is the single greatest compendium of information in the history of the written word.”
Stephen Hawking: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge has opened my eyes to so many things I had never known before. It is a triumph of human achievement.”
Nelson Mandela: “The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is such a larger achievement than anything I ever accomplished.”

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