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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Top Quotes Of '2012'

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President Thomas Wilson: “I'll be the last president of the United States of America. Do you know how that feels, son?”
Charlie Frost: “I’m watching the earth crumble before my eyes.”
Jackson Curtis: “The critics said I was a naïve and unabashed optimist, but what do they know, right?”
Laura Wilson: “All those people we left behind, they don’t stand a chance, do they?”
Carl Anheuser: “Our mission is to ensure the continuity of our species.”
Tony Delgatto: “I was too late.”
President Thomas Wilson: “Today we are one family stepping into the darkness together.”
Dr. Adrian Helmsley: “The moment we stop fighting for each other, that’s the moment we lose our humanity.”
Jackson Curtis: “We’re gonna all stay together no matter what happens.”
Lilly Curtis: “No more pull-ups.”

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