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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Foreign Relations

Relations Break Down Between U.S. And Them
U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S.
U.S. Ambassador to Bulungi Suspected of Making the Country Up
Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country
$18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson
U.S. 'Sends Message' to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake
Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations
Humanitarian Aid Check Blown Before It Arrives
Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles
U.S. To Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91, Let Free-Market Capitalism Do The Rest
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