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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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War In Iraq

Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance
Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle
Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina
U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq
Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force
Bush Elected President of Iraq
Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned
U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy

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