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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

“Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Cover the cooking bowl with lid. Make sure the steam vent is facing toward the back of the unit.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Once the rice is cooked, the unit will automatically switch to the Warm setting and the Warm LED will be illuminated until the unit is unplugged.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Wipe base of unit with a soft, damp cloth or microfiber towel. NEVER IMMERSE BASE OF UNIT IN WATER.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Preprogrammed settings include sushi rice, brown rice, regular rice, soft grains, slow cooking (for stews and soups), steaming (for vegetables and seafood) and quick cooking.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“One cup of uncooked rice makes approximately three cups of cooked rice.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“If you are experiencing problems with your Cuisinart product, we suggest that you call our Consumer Service Center at 1-800-726-0190 before returning the product for servicing.” Who said it?
Answer: Kanye West quoting from the Cuisinart Rice Cooker manual in his Grammy acceptance speech for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
“Fluff rice with paddle or utensil suitable for nonstick cookware.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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