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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

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“Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Cover the cooking bowl with lid. Make sure the steam vent is facing toward the back of the unit.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Once the rice is cooked, the unit will automatically switch to the Warm setting and the Warm LED will be illuminated until the unit is unplugged.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Wipe base of unit with a soft, damp cloth or microfiber towel. NEVER IMMERSE BASE OF UNIT IN WATER.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“Preprogrammed settings include sushi rice, brown rice, regular rice, soft grains, slow cooking (for stews and soups), steaming (for vegetables and seafood) and quick cooking.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“One cup of uncooked rice makes approximately three cups of cooked rice.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual
“If you are experiencing problems with your Cuisinart product, we suggest that you call our Consumer Service Center at 1-800-726-0190 before returning the product for servicing.” Who said it?
Answer: Kanye West quoting from the Cuisinart Rice Cooker manual in his Grammy acceptance speech for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
“Fluff rice with paddle or utensil suitable for nonstick cookware.” Who said it?
Answer: Cuisinart Rice Cooker Manual

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