World Cup Players To Watch

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

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Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

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Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

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Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

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World Cup Players To Watch

Onion Sports previews the 10 most captivating players to watch heading into the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Strength: Hair gel slathered all over body allows him to easily slip away from defenders

Weakness: Shy in front of cameras

Position: Midfield Hunk

Biggest Fan: Mirrors

Favorite Player From Childhood: Cristiano Ronaldo

Schedule: Majority of day taken up by personally responding to each and every wall post from his 50 million-plus Facebook followers

Plans For Future: Continue being millionaire-athlete-playboy

Signature Moves: Step-over, double step-over, triple step-over, quadruple step-over
Lionel Messi
Strength: Has enough money to order pretty much whatever he wants when out at a restaurant

Weaknesses: Looks especially tiny on soccer’s biggest stage; Low center of gravity would be useless in weightless environment of space

Number Of Commercials Filmed For Pepsi: Enough

Awards: All of them

Trademark Goal Celebration: Staring blankly at teammates while standing quietly

Favorite Part Of World Cup: Incredible feeling of pride playing for country he hasn’t lived in since he was 12
Neymar
Strengths: Is Brazilian but doesn’t have to live there; Dives after every loose ball

Weakness: Can’t juggle ball more than two or three times

Age: Younger than you

Family: Son of two world-class soccer balls

Working On: Kicking with both feet at same time

Biggest Secret: Actually thinks Brazilian protesters make some very good points

Time He’ll Spend In Brazil After World Cup Is Over: 17 Minutes
Mario Balotelli
Strengths: Despite being just 23, already has wealth of experience being subjected to racist taunts during big matches; Always gives full 30 percent on training ground

Weakness: Constantly ridiculed for being black, when it’s his terrible haircut that deserves the abuse

The Type Of Person Who Sets Own Home Ablaze After Lighting Fireworks Indoors: Yes

Playing Style: Temperamental

Gives A Shit About Playing Soccer: Sometimes

Chance Of Ever Realizing Full Potential: Pretty much zilch
Clint Dempsey
Strengths: Has veteran poise that young U.S. squad needs to remain composed in face of crushing defeat; Equally adept with both left and right elbows

Weakness: Captain of the U.S. men’s soccer team

Best Attribute: Special knack for scoring late consolation goals

Greatest Accomplishment: Convinced Jurgen Klinsmann he is actually 20-year-old German player

Efforts: Futile

Future Plans: Watch World Cup knockout rounds from comfort of home in Seattle
Luis Suarez
Strengths: Knows racial slurs in nine languages; Sharp molars in lower jaw; Obliviousness to social norms and basic human decency allows him to really focus on playing soccer

Weakness: Has trouble adapting game to civilized society

Nicknames: Asshole, Prick, Piece Of Shit, Cheating Fuck, Racist Fuck, Cheating Racist Fuck

Claim To Fame: Will really go the extra mile to be a dick

Pet Peeve: Other people

Biggest Secret: Feels absolutely nothing while listening to Uruguay’s national anthem before kickoff

Role Models: Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez

Punishment For Racially Abusing, Biting Other Players: Millions of dollars in sponsorships, starting spot on Liverpool FC and Uruguayan national team

Any Remorse For Way He Conducts Himself As A High-Profile Professional Athlete: Nope

Fun Fact: Fuck him
Robin Van Persie
Strength: Always swaps shirt, shorts, socks with opponent after match in show of sportsmanship

Weaknesses: Joints; bones; tendons

Team: Played for Holland in 2010 World Cup, but now plays for the Netherlands

Style Of Play: Limping

Biggest Fear: Ball coming alive and eating his foot

Special Talent: Could probably kill you if he kicked ball at your head as hard as he could

Signature Move: Thumbs up while being carted off field on stretcher

Favorite Sports Network: Onion Sports Network

Andres Iniesta
Strength: Fantastic field vision allows him to see plays developing years in advance

Weaknesses: Quick first step always followed by four to five slow ones; Hasn’t won World Cup in four years

Claim To Fame: Chosen by FIFA to score winning goal in the 2010 World Cup Final against the Netherlands

Frightening Reality: Team probably good enough to win World Cup without him

Schedule: Spends 80 percent of time lifting trophies while confetti rains down around him

Value: Approximately 12.4 Landon Donovans

Wayne Rooney
Strength: Not defined by selfish desire to score goals that consumes so many other World Cup strikers

Weakness: Every third word uttered is “brilliant”

Favorite Place To Carry Entire Country’s World Cup Dreams: Shoulders

Years Until He Can Retire From National Team And Not Deal With This Shit Anymore: Three

Club Teams: Everton (2002-2004), Manchester United (2004-2017), LA Galaxy (2017-2020)

Weight Of Expectations: 238,467 lbs.

Favorite Position: Behind main striker so fans can’t throw shit at him
Tim Howard
Strengths: Past World Cup experience has prepared him for what’s about to happen; Large hands allow him to more easily grab ball out of back of net

Weaknesses: Only capable of being one of 11 U.S. players on field; Afraid to leave 18-yard box even after match is over

Yells At Defenders After They Allow A Shot On Goal: A lot

Age: Old

Club Team: English team, but not Manchester United or Arsenal

Signature Move: Grabbing ball out of air, pulling it into chest, holding it there for a bit, punting it
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