adBlockCheck

World Cup Players To Watch

Top Headlines

Sports

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Originality

World Cup Players To Watch

Onion Sports previews the 10 most captivating players to watch heading into the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Strength: Hair gel slathered all over body allows him to easily slip away from defenders

Weakness: Shy in front of cameras

Position: Midfield Hunk

Biggest Fan: Mirrors

Favorite Player From Childhood: Cristiano Ronaldo

Schedule: Majority of day taken up by personally responding to each and every wall post from his 50 million-plus Facebook followers

Plans For Future: Continue being millionaire-athlete-playboy

Signature Moves: Step-over, double step-over, triple step-over, quadruple step-over
Lionel Messi
Strength: Has enough money to order pretty much whatever he wants when out at a restaurant

Weaknesses: Looks especially tiny on soccer’s biggest stage; Low center of gravity would be useless in weightless environment of space

Number Of Commercials Filmed For Pepsi: Enough

Awards: All of them

Trademark Goal Celebration: Staring blankly at teammates while standing quietly

Favorite Part Of World Cup: Incredible feeling of pride playing for country he hasn’t lived in since he was 12
Neymar
Strengths: Is Brazilian but doesn’t have to live there; Dives after every loose ball

Weakness: Can’t juggle ball more than two or three times

Age: Younger than you

Family: Son of two world-class soccer balls

Working On: Kicking with both feet at same time

Biggest Secret: Actually thinks Brazilian protesters make some very good points

Time He’ll Spend In Brazil After World Cup Is Over: 17 Minutes
Mario Balotelli
Strengths: Despite being just 23, already has wealth of experience being subjected to racist taunts during big matches; Always gives full 30 percent on training ground

Weakness: Constantly ridiculed for being black, when it’s his terrible haircut that deserves the abuse

The Type Of Person Who Sets Own Home Ablaze After Lighting Fireworks Indoors: Yes

Playing Style: Temperamental

Gives A Shit About Playing Soccer: Sometimes

Chance Of Ever Realizing Full Potential: Pretty much zilch
Clint Dempsey
Strengths: Has veteran poise that young U.S. squad needs to remain composed in face of crushing defeat; Equally adept with both left and right elbows

Weakness: Captain of the U.S. men’s soccer team

Best Attribute: Special knack for scoring late consolation goals

Greatest Accomplishment: Convinced Jurgen Klinsmann he is actually 20-year-old German player

Efforts: Futile

Future Plans: Watch World Cup knockout rounds from comfort of home in Seattle
Luis Suarez
Strengths: Knows racial slurs in nine languages; Sharp molars in lower jaw; Obliviousness to social norms and basic human decency allows him to really focus on playing soccer

Weakness: Has trouble adapting game to civilized society

Nicknames: Asshole, Prick, Piece Of Shit, Cheating Fuck, Racist Fuck, Cheating Racist Fuck

Claim To Fame: Will really go the extra mile to be a dick

Pet Peeve: Other people

Biggest Secret: Feels absolutely nothing while listening to Uruguay’s national anthem before kickoff

Role Models: Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez

Punishment For Racially Abusing, Biting Other Players: Millions of dollars in sponsorships, starting spot on Liverpool FC and Uruguayan national team

Any Remorse For Way He Conducts Himself As A High-Profile Professional Athlete: Nope

Fun Fact: Fuck him
Robin Van Persie
Strength: Always swaps shirt, shorts, socks with opponent after match in show of sportsmanship

Weaknesses: Joints; bones; tendons

Team: Played for Holland in 2010 World Cup, but now plays for the Netherlands

Style Of Play: Limping

Biggest Fear: Ball coming alive and eating his foot

Special Talent: Could probably kill you if he kicked ball at your head as hard as he could

Signature Move: Thumbs up while being carted off field on stretcher

Favorite Sports Network: Onion Sports Network

Andres Iniesta
Strength: Fantastic field vision allows him to see plays developing years in advance

Weaknesses: Quick first step always followed by four to five slow ones; Hasn’t won World Cup in four years

Claim To Fame: Chosen by FIFA to score winning goal in the 2010 World Cup Final against the Netherlands

Frightening Reality: Team probably good enough to win World Cup without him

Schedule: Spends 80 percent of time lifting trophies while confetti rains down around him

Value: Approximately 12.4 Landon Donovans

Wayne Rooney
Strength: Not defined by selfish desire to score goals that consumes so many other World Cup strikers

Weakness: Every third word uttered is “brilliant”

Favorite Place To Carry Entire Country’s World Cup Dreams: Shoulders

Years Until He Can Retire From National Team And Not Deal With This Shit Anymore: Three

Club Teams: Everton (2002-2004), Manchester United (2004-2017), LA Galaxy (2017-2020)

Weight Of Expectations: 238,467 lbs.

Favorite Position: Behind main striker so fans can’t throw shit at him
Tim Howard
Strengths: Past World Cup experience has prepared him for what’s about to happen; Large hands allow him to more easily grab ball out of back of net

Weaknesses: Only capable of being one of 11 U.S. players on field; Afraid to leave 18-yard box even after match is over

Yells At Defenders After They Allow A Shot On Goal: A lot

Age: Old

Club Team: English team, but not Manchester United or Arsenal

Signature Move: Grabbing ball out of air, pulling it into chest, holding it there for a bit, punting it

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close