Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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World Cup Players To Watch

Onion Sports previews the 10 most captivating players to watch heading into the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Strength: Hair gel slathered all over body allows him to easily slip away from defenders

Weakness: Shy in front of cameras

Position: Midfield Hunk

Biggest Fan: Mirrors

Favorite Player From Childhood: Cristiano Ronaldo

Schedule: Majority of day taken up by personally responding to each and every wall post from his 50 million-plus Facebook followers

Plans For Future: Continue being millionaire-athlete-playboy

Signature Moves: Step-over, double step-over, triple step-over, quadruple step-over
Lionel Messi
Strength: Has enough money to order pretty much whatever he wants when out at a restaurant

Weaknesses: Looks especially tiny on soccer’s biggest stage; Low center of gravity would be useless in weightless environment of space

Number Of Commercials Filmed For Pepsi: Enough

Awards: All of them

Trademark Goal Celebration: Staring blankly at teammates while standing quietly

Favorite Part Of World Cup: Incredible feeling of pride playing for country he hasn’t lived in since he was 12
Strengths: Is Brazilian but doesn’t have to live there; Dives after every loose ball

Weakness: Can’t juggle ball more than two or three times

Age: Younger than you

Family: Son of two world-class soccer balls

Working On: Kicking with both feet at same time

Biggest Secret: Actually thinks Brazilian protesters make some very good points

Time He’ll Spend In Brazil After World Cup Is Over: 17 Minutes
Mario Balotelli
Strengths: Despite being just 23, already has wealth of experience being subjected to racist taunts during big matches; Always gives full 30 percent on training ground

Weakness: Constantly ridiculed for being black, when it’s his terrible haircut that deserves the abuse

The Type Of Person Who Sets Own Home Ablaze After Lighting Fireworks Indoors: Yes

Playing Style: Temperamental

Gives A Shit About Playing Soccer: Sometimes

Chance Of Ever Realizing Full Potential: Pretty much zilch
Clint Dempsey
Strengths: Has veteran poise that young U.S. squad needs to remain composed in face of crushing defeat; Equally adept with both left and right elbows

Weakness: Captain of the U.S. men’s soccer team

Best Attribute: Special knack for scoring late consolation goals

Greatest Accomplishment: Convinced Jurgen Klinsmann he is actually 20-year-old German player

Efforts: Futile

Future Plans: Watch World Cup knockout rounds from comfort of home in Seattle
Luis Suarez
Strengths: Knows racial slurs in nine languages; Sharp molars in lower jaw; Obliviousness to social norms and basic human decency allows him to really focus on playing soccer

Weakness: Has trouble adapting game to civilized society

Nicknames: Asshole, Prick, Piece Of Shit, Cheating Fuck, Racist Fuck, Cheating Racist Fuck

Claim To Fame: Will really go the extra mile to be a dick

Pet Peeve: Other people

Biggest Secret: Feels absolutely nothing while listening to Uruguay’s national anthem before kickoff

Role Models: Lance Armstrong, Alex Rodriguez

Punishment For Racially Abusing, Biting Other Players: Millions of dollars in sponsorships, starting spot on Liverpool FC and Uruguayan national team

Any Remorse For Way He Conducts Himself As A High-Profile Professional Athlete: Nope

Fun Fact: Fuck him
Robin Van Persie
Strength: Always swaps shirt, shorts, socks with opponent after match in show of sportsmanship

Weaknesses: Joints; bones; tendons

Team: Played for Holland in 2010 World Cup, but now plays for the Netherlands

Style Of Play: Limping

Biggest Fear: Ball coming alive and eating his foot

Special Talent: Could probably kill you if he kicked ball at your head as hard as he could

Signature Move: Thumbs up while being carted off field on stretcher

Favorite Sports Network: Onion Sports Network

Andres Iniesta
Strength: Fantastic field vision allows him to see plays developing years in advance

Weaknesses: Quick first step always followed by four to five slow ones; Hasn’t won World Cup in four years

Claim To Fame: Chosen by FIFA to score winning goal in the 2010 World Cup Final against the Netherlands

Frightening Reality: Team probably good enough to win World Cup without him

Schedule: Spends 80 percent of time lifting trophies while confetti rains down around him

Value: Approximately 12.4 Landon Donovans

Wayne Rooney
Strength: Not defined by selfish desire to score goals that consumes so many other World Cup strikers

Weakness: Every third word uttered is “brilliant”

Favorite Place To Carry Entire Country’s World Cup Dreams: Shoulders

Years Until He Can Retire From National Team And Not Deal With This Shit Anymore: Three

Club Teams: Everton (2002-2004), Manchester United (2004-2017), LA Galaxy (2017-2020)

Weight Of Expectations: 238,467 lbs.

Favorite Position: Behind main striker so fans can’t throw shit at him
Tim Howard
Strengths: Past World Cup experience has prepared him for what’s about to happen; Large hands allow him to more easily grab ball out of back of net

Weaknesses: Only capable of being one of 11 U.S. players on field; Afraid to leave 18-yard box even after match is over

Yells At Defenders After They Allow A Shot On Goal: A lot

Age: Old

Club Team: English team, but not Manchester United or Arsenal

Signature Move: Grabbing ball out of air, pulling it into chest, holding it there for a bit, punting it

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