World Cup Teams To Watch

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

World Cup Teams To Watch

With the 2014 World Cup about to kick off in Brazil, Onion Sports breaks down the 11 teams to watch during the tournament.
BRAZIL
Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment

Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance

Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s

World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries

Official Team Suffix: “-inho”
THE NETHERLANDS
Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks

Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches

Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm

Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman

Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length
GERMANY
Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium

Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel

Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach

Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47

Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group

Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team

SPAIN
Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball

Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659

Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan

Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster

Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it

Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer
ENGLAND
Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries

Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling

Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking

David Beckham: Nope

Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney

Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”
FRANCE
Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage

Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations

Roster: 23 assholes

Formation: Whatever feels right

Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever

Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
GHANA
Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams

Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages

Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best

Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring

Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue

ARGENTINA
Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call

Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS

Lionel: Messi

Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke

Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out

Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal
UNITED STATES
Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes

Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English

Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose

Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now

Playing Style: Losing

FIFA World Ranking: 14

Actual World Ranking: 37
ITALY
Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match

Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks

Also Known As: The blue team

Boring As Fuck: Yup

Gesturing Style: Animated

Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands

Chances Your Friend Will Break Out His Italy Jersey From 10 Years Ago And Suddenly Act Like He Knows About Soccer: Incredibly high
PORTUGAL
Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts

Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest

Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys

Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil

World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament