Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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World Cup Teams To Watch

With the 2014 World Cup about to kick off in Brazil, Onion Sports breaks down the 11 teams to watch during the tournament.
Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment

Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance

Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s

World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries

Official Team Suffix: “-inho”
Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks

Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches

Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm

Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman

Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length
Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium

Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel

Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach

Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47

Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group

Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team

Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball

Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659

Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan

Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster

Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it

Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer
Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries

Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling

Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking

David Beckham: Nope

Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney

Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”
Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage

Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations

Roster: 23 assholes

Formation: Whatever feels right

Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever

Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams

Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages

Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best

Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring

Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue

Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call

Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS

Lionel: Messi

Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke

Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out

Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal
Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes

Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English

Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose

Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now

Playing Style: Losing

FIFA World Ranking: 14

Actual World Ranking: 37
Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match

Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks

Also Known As: The blue team

Boring As Fuck: Yup

Gesturing Style: Animated

Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands

Chances Your Friend Will Break Out His Italy Jersey From 10 Years Ago And Suddenly Act Like He Knows About Soccer: Incredibly high
Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts

Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest

Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys

Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil

World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament


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