World Cup Teams To Watch

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

World Cup Teams To Watch

With the 2014 World Cup about to kick off in Brazil, Onion Sports breaks down the 11 teams to watch during the tournament.
Strength: As host country, team will play in the stadium least likely to collapse at any moment

Weaknesses: Only qualified for World Cup through back door as tournament hosts; Nation will probably fall into total anarchy regardless of team’s performance

Roster: Contains a record seven “Next Pele”s

World Cup History: Has never advanced past championship match in seven tries

Official Team Suffix: “-inho”
Strength: Spent past two years perfecting the hell out of heel kicks

Weakness: Wooden clogs slow players down considerably during matches

Preferred Grass Height: Between 51.436mm and 51.438mm

Nickname Of Somebody On Team, Probably: Flying Dutchman

Fun Fact: Media pronunciation guide for players’ names over 3,000 pages in length
Strength: Winning balls in the air by parachuting into stadium

Weakness: Crippling fear of disappointing Angela Merkel

Manager: German guy, but different German guy from U.S. coach

Number Of Umlauts On Roster: 47

Biggest Advantage: Drawn in pretty easy World Cup group

Team Nickname: The German International Soccer Team

Strengths: Confidence still high after beating Belarus 2-1 during World Cup qualifying last year; Automatically awarded goal if they reach 20 consecutive passes without losing ball

Weakness: Players still living with shame of nation losing Franco-Spanish War in 1659

Conjugation: yo Españo; tú Españas; él/ella España; nosotros Españamos; vosotros Españáis; ellos/ellas Españan

Average Age Of Team: Sum of every player’s age divided by number of players on roster

Game Plan: Fly out to Brazil, wing it

Fun Fact: 23-man team currently country’s biggest employer
Strength: Have fought wars in or against most of these other countries

Weakness: Insists on “Wourld Cup” spelling

Style Of Play: Genteel counterattacking

David Beckham: Nope

Scapegoat: Wayne Rooney

Most Famous Fan Chant: “En-ger-land, En-ger-land, En-ger-land, Just Do Your Best Out There, It’s Only A Game”
Strengths: Great individual chemistry on roster; New crop of promising young talent finally ready to implode on international stage

Weakness: Lacks veteran player capable of delivering headbutts in clutch situations

Roster: 23 assholes

Formation: Whatever feels right

Players You’ll Remember After World Cup: None whatsoever

Target: To finish tournament without embarrassing entire country this time
Strength: Matches up well against wide variety of U.S. teams

Weakness: Crippling survivor’s guilt during knockout stages

Offensive Style: You know, just kick the ball and hope for the best

Every Player’s Backstory: Inspiring

Target: To get some good pictures of giant Jesus statue

Strengths: Has a player you’ve heard of; Impeccable teamwork while crowding ref to complain about call

Weakness: Not a single player on team has ascended to professional ranks of MLS

Lionel: Messi

Major Rivals: Brazil; England; Duke

Trademark Goal Celebration: Jumping on top of one another while freaking the fuck out

Memorable World Cup Moment: In 1986 God attempts to kill Diego Maradona, only to miss and send the ball into England’s goal
Strength: Ability to return to United States after tournament concludes

Weaknesses: Used to playing in the Northern Hemisphere where balls spin in opposite direction; Only four players on team can speak fluent English

Biggest Advantage: Playing for fans who won’t murder them if they lose

Embarrassing Secret: Have actually been playing this sport for a while now

Playing Style: Losing

FIFA World Ranking: 14

Actual World Ranking: 37
Strengths: All the non-playing aspects of soccer; Incredibly disciplined defenders remain in position for up to 24 hours after match

Weakness: Everyone on team too scared to stand in wall while defending free kicks

Also Known As: The blue team

Boring As Fuck: Yup

Gesturing Style: Animated

Biggest Inspiration: Seeing fans light flares in stands

Chances Your Friend Will Break Out His Italy Jersey From 10 Years Ago And Suddenly Act Like He Knows About Soccer: Incredibly high
Strength: Painted-on uniforms allow players to run freely without being hindered by shirts or shorts

Weakness: Paltry bribery war chest

Starting XI: Ronaldo, 10 other guys

Biggest Advantage: Fluency in Portuguese allows players to more easily get around Brazil

World Cup Preparation: Entire team has been practicing writhing on ground in pain for months leading up to tournament


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close