Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man. The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features...

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator

CHESTER, PA—Saying that it was the next logical step for the company, the owners of local laundromat Sudz Cleaners told reporters Tuesday that they had recently hired social media coordinator Dan Elmets, 26, to lead the development and execution of ...

Executive Creative Too

NEW YORK—Saying he likes to think of himself as “more than just a stuffy businessman in a suit,” Wyatt Media Group CEO Barney Washburn, 57, informed reporters today that he is actually quite creative, too. According to Washburn, in addit...

New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'

SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday morning to announce that he envisioned printers as the company’s future.

Innovative Fat Man Combines Waffles With Ice Cream

ATLANTA—The world culinary community is hailing the ingenuity of Atlanta-area fat man Gene Bando for his counterintuitive juxtaposition of Aunt Jemima blueberry frozen waffles and Häagen-Dazs butter-pecan ice cream, resulting in a delightful taste sensation. "I have combined the best of both worlds," the obese visionary told reporters Monday. "The delicious taste of waffles combined with the irresistible flavor of ice cream truly is a win-win situation, if you will." Bando is now widely believed to be researching a bold interplay of hot dogs and gravy.

New Toothbrush Slightly Different From Already Existing, Perfectly Good Toothbrushes

BELMONT, CA—At a press conference Monday, Oral-B Laboratories unveiled its much-anticipated new DentuTek 6.0 toothbrush, touted by its designers as slightly different from the hundreds of perfectly good toothbrushes currently on the market. "This toothbrush design is perfect for those who are not satisfied with the 846 existing toothbrush designs currently on the market," Oral-B director of product development Julianne Wuerfel said. "Finally, the American consumer has an 847th choice." According to Wuerfel, the DentuTek 6.0 features a patented ErgoDynamic(TM) handle, tapered to a curve vector almost .002 inches from its nearest competitor, the Colgate 34-XB, as well as a revolutionary new Tri-Level Bristle-Control System(TM). "We're very excited," Oral-B CEO Palmer Esch said. "Our team of toothbrush designers and engineers labored intensely to develop a toothbrush that fit within the infinitesimally small window of as-yet-undesigned toothbrush styles. And they did it."
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child

LOS ANGELES—Offering mothers and fathers a greater degree of control than ever over their baby’s development in utero, UCLA scientists announced a new procedure Wednesday that gives parents the ability to select the sexiness of their child. “Previously, the sexiness of a child was just a matter of chance, but now, parents will be able to choose how smoking hot their baby will be at the very beginning of their pregnancy,” said lead researcher Lydia Jarrett, adding that while ultrasounds have long been able to provide couples with a glimpse of their child’s sexiness, the new procedure, for the first time, allows them to decide whether their baby will be a mini studmuffin or a white-hot baby bombshell. “Many parents don’t want to have to guess how totally fine their newborn will be; they want to be able to make a decision and prepare for the birth of their little hottie or baby beefcake. This procedure puts their minds at ease and gives them a full nine months to stock up on all the teeny-tiny skirts and designer baby jeans they’ll need to show off their pint-sized sex bomb.” Jarrett added that parents who wanted to be surprised by the sexiness of their child were still free to wait until the baby was born to find out its level of pure animal magnetism.


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