ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter Redmond.
SPONSORED POST · SUITS · 02/03/2014
I hereby approve this commercial endeavor as fit for publication in The Onion news-paper. May the ox of journalism always be yoked to the cart of commerce.
Yours in avarice,
T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus, The Onion