The Aftermath Of September 11

As America reflects on the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, here are a few ways our nation’s perceptions have changed in the wake of 9/11

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Ten Years Later: A Look Back On The World Since 9/11

On Sunday, September 11, Americans will commemorate the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks that ended nearly 3,000 lives. As part of this remembrance, The Onion looks back at the 12 most important stories that happened in the wake of 9/11.

Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Cent...

Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington

UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.

Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today.

Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers

Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy

WASHINGTON—In an act that many are calling long overdue, Congress passed legislation this week to honor those Americans who were first on the scene to profit from the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001.

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake."
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Nation Just Goes Ahead And Decides ‘Freedom Prevails Over Hate’ Is Lesson Of 9/11

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging they had been going back and forth on possible options for much of the past 15 years and that none really seemed to fit, citizens across the country confirmed Sunday they had decided to just go ahead and declare that “freedom prevails over hate” was the enduring lesson of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. “This issue comes up every anniversary, and everyone felt like we just needed to settle it once and for all, so we all agreed that 9/11 taught us that freedom will always conquer fear and hate,” said Canton, OH resident Matthew Boyd, 37, echoing the feelings of all 320 million Americans who, from this point forward, will reflect on the worst terrorist strike on U.S. soil by simply recalling the short phrase and leaving it at that. “We also considered ‘terrorism never wins’ or ‘freedom has a price’ as the lesson of September 11, but we’re just going with this one. It’s not perfect—I know some people are going to bring up how we lost some freedoms after the attacks and how there may be more hate now than before, but the bottom line is that all the other potential lessons had their own issues. This one works fine, and we want to just pick one and stick with it. So this is what it is now, and that’s that.” At press time, the nation was reportedly still sifting through the thousands of lessons learned from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

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