Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today

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The Aftermath Of September 11

As America reflects on the anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, here are a few ways our nation’s perceptions have changed in the wake of 9/11

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Ten Years Later: A Look Back On The World Since 9/11

On Sunday, September 11, Americans will commemorate the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks that ended nearly 3,000 lives. As part of this remembrance, The Onion looks back at the 12 most important stories that happened in the wake of 9/11.

Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial

NEW YORK—The makers of Laffy Taffy, a chewy fruit-flavored candy known for the lighthearted jokes printed on each wrapper, announced Tuesday they would pay tribute to the victims of 9/11 by sponsoring every single cobblestone at the World Trade Cent...

Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington

UPDATE: Giant Bin Laden Destroys New York, Washington

NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.

Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine

NEW YORK—Osama bin Laden, 54-year-old leader of the international terrorist group al-Qaeda and mastermind of the 9/11 attacks that took nearly 3,000 American lives in 2001, was killed early Monday morning in Pakistan while sitting on the toilet, the U.S. populace took great pleasure in imagining today.

Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers

Recognizes Those Who Rushed To Cash In On Tragedy

WASHINGTON—In an act that many are calling long overdue, Congress passed legislation this week to honor those Americans who were first on the scene to profit from the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001.

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Mounting Opposition To New York Islamic Center

Claiming the neighborhood where the Twin Towers once stood is sacred ground, radical conservative groups are spearheading opposition to the construction of a nearby Muslim community center, a facility that would include a swimming pool and a 9/11 memorial and be located more than two blocks from the attack site. Here are some other projects currently facing controversy:

Bald Eagle Tired Of Everyone Just Assuming It Supports War

THE OREGON WILDERNESS—"I think World War II was justified, and I got behind the first Gulf War [in 1990]," said the bird, who has served as the national symbol of the United States since 1782. "But the recent war in Iraq, with its shifting rationale and poor planning, was clearly a huge mistake."

Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed

After four years of work, architect Craig Dykers has revealed his plans for the 9/11 museum to built on the former site of the World Trade Center. ...
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Child At 9/11 Memorial Service Sternly Reminded We Are Sad Today

MADISON, CT—After several warnings to stop his fidgeting and keep quiet during the town’s 9/11 memorial service, 6-year-old Caleb Goetz was sternly reminded by his mother that today is a sad day, sources confirmed this morning. “Caleb, we’re sad today, so no more goofing around. Got it?” said the boy’s mother, Hannah Goetz, in a sharp whisper, bending down to look the child in his eyes and tell him to stop running his Matchbox car up and down her pant leg and making engine noises with his mouth while the people at the podium were speaking into the microphone. “Do you see all the people’s faces? Everyone’s sad. This is very sad, okay? If you can’t stand still until they finish raising the flag and lighting the candles, then no Legends Of Chima later. You hear me?” In a further effort to keep him from acting out, the boy’s mother then reportedly glared at him for the entire moment of silence.