Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going

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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books.

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—Hundreds of abortion enthusiasts gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court Monday to voice their support for recent rulings repealing the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. "We just adore abortions, and now they're more convenient than ever," abortion lover Nayla Forster said. "Some women found it a real pain to squeeze the procedure in before the third trimester." Forster said that she personally tries to get out and have an abortion at least every four months or so.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage

LOS ANGELES–Deeming the fetus "not viable at this time," ABC vice-president of programming Lew Schaffer pulled the plug Monday on his unborn child after 11 weeks in development. "The baby was making impressive progress," Schaffer said. "But, unfortunately, it did not meet the needs of this network's vice-president of programming at this time." Schaffer expressed sympathy for Liz Harris, his former personal assistant and the fetus' co-creator, saying: "This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care what the pro-lifers say... I am totally psyched for this abortion!
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Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement by Texas state officials to cut Medicaid funding for the nonprofit organization, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards assured supporters Tuesday that it has plenty of fetus cash to keep going for a while. “While the decision by Texas to eliminate taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood is unfortunate, I want everyone to know that we have an ample supply of sweet baby-organ cabbage to continue providing our services,” said Richards, adding that the reproductive and maternal health organization had enough fetal-tissue scratch to keep the doors open for the foreseeable future. “Lawmakers remain determined to deny reproductive health care to women in need, and if not for our golden baby-parts goose, they well may have succeeded. But rest assured that with our mad stacks of aborted-fetus bucks, the future of Planned Parenthood is as secure as ever.” Richards added that even as she was speaking, Planned Parenthood employees were busy squeezing some extra green out of whatever embryos they had left in the back.