Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

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Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Recreational-Abortion Enthusiasts Applaud Repeal Of Partial-Birth Ban

WASHINGTON, DC—Hundreds of abortion enthusiasts gathered on the steps of the Supreme Court Monday to voice their support for recent rulings repealing the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. "We just adore abortions, and now they're more convenient than ever," abortion lover Nayla Forster said. "Some women found it a real pain to squeeze the procedure in before the third trimester." Forster said that she personally tries to get out and have an abortion at least every four months or so.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women's access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:

  • The Social Engineering Provision (Connecticut): Abortions are available only when the woman is facing dire risks such as being mousy, husky, or flat-chested
  • Maximization of Pathos Act (California): After a termination procedure, clinicians must gaze into the patient's eyes and say, "It was a boy"
  • Fair Warning Act (Vermont): Prior to procedure, headphones placed over the patient's abdomen must blare the sound of a 90-decibel Klaxon horn
  • The You Monster Act (South Carolina): Requires clinic workers to call a patient a monster at least five times before performing abortion
  • Second Thoughts Relocation Act (North Carolina): Abortions can only be provided by a physician holding an Elmo-themed first-birthday cake and must be performed in the middle of an open, active day-care center
  • The Guterman Act (North Dakota): Abortions are still granted, but only if the woman agrees not to laugh at anything for two years following the procedure
  • Scratch Statute (Georgia): State lottery to issue new "Termination Madness" instant scratch-off game giving participants a 1-in-100,000 chance of winning a free abortion
  • Public Notification Act (Mississippi): Any woman who receives an abortion must place a sign in vehicle that reads "Baby on board? Nope. Why not? I'll give you one guess. That's right. I aborted the fetus I was carrying"
  • The Phillips Waiting Period (Wisconsin): Anyone seeking an abortion must wait three days after initial consultation, during which Dale Phillips (R-Kenosha) stares at her the whole time