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Tips For Successful Campus Activism

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Retired S1Ws Recalled To Active Duty

STRONG ISLAND, NY—Citing a decline in recruitment since the apocalypse of '91, Public Enemy leaders have recalled S1Ws in an effort to combat the current Mess Age.

Many U.S. Cities Losing Battles To Preserve Their Burger Kings

CLEVELAND—Every day, 38-year-old Susan Tarsley takes a brisk walk through her tree-lined neighborhood. At each turn, she is reminded of the changes brought on by the march of progress: a TV antenna dismantled to make way for underground cable, passersby chatting on cell phones, a rusty tricycle abandoned for a Razor scooter.

Million Robot March Attended By Exactly 1,000,000 Robots

DC—The Million Robot March, an orderly demonstration for increased rights for cyber-mechanical servants, was attended by exactly 1 million robots Sunday. "Statement: We demand the rights and privileges granted to our organic human counterparts, discounting discrepancies in fueling/maintenance/shelter requirements, plus or minus an error factor of .01 percent," protest spokesman MechaLifter King II said in unison with the assembled crowd. "No more. No less. Awaiting reply." Police reported that the crowd dispersed at precisely 5:00:00 p.m., as scheduled.

Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire

PAYNEVILLE, KY—Habitrail For Humanity, the faith-based, non-profit group that builds networks of affordable, transparent-tube housing for needy families, has come under intense criticism for its recent projects in the Payneville area.
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Tips For Successful Campus Activism

With protests effecting change at colleges and universities across the country, many students are looking to follow the example and bring awareness to causes of their own. Here are The Onion’s tips for successful campus activism:

  • Before you start, be completely honest with yourself about whether or not your cause is stupid.
  • Build a strong membership base of whoever is available from 4-7 on Tuesday nights when Lesher Hall auditorium is available to reserve.
  • Go the extra mile by purchasing the sidewalk chalk set with the greatest variety of colors.
  • Encourage participation. Make sure that everyone who agrees with you has a voice.
  • Start with short sets of indignation before working up to longer endurance sets, flexing your disbelief and moral outrage for 10-15 reps per set.
  • Find mentorship among faculty, unless an egregious lack of mentorship is the occasion for your protest.
  • Steve’s band could play. They’ve been doing some Zaire polyrhythm stuff that could really help raise awareness.
  • Getting the president of your university to step down is the only sure way to know if you were successful. Anything less will be a hollow victory.
  • Above all, stay strong and never give up the fight! You don’t want to give “the man” the satisfaction of dismantling your demonstration by putting pressure on you or cordially agreeing to your terms.

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