Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them

In This Section

africa

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing...

U.S. Bombs Somalia

The U.S. has initiated a series of attacks in southern Somalia aimed at suspected members of al Qaeda. What do you think?

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—None of the blood that filled our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures," said former rebel and new head of state Uwimana Kowry.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them

KANJERA, KENYA—In a groundbreaking find that provides new insight into early human behavior, a group of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institute announced the discovery Friday of the first known hominid to own tools but never use them. “Based on the evidence we uncovered, it appears this ancient human ancestor was the earliest species to keep a variety of specialized stone implements nearby without ever picking one of them up and putting it to use,” said Dr. Phillip Davidson, adding that the team unearthed a neatly arranged set of choppers, awls, and scrapers with no wear on their surfaces whatsoever, indicating they were never employed on even a single project. “Our findings suggest that these tools were procured by this early hominid in the Lower Paleolithic period, set down in a designated space in the individual’s dwelling, and then simply stayed in the same spot untouched for the past 2 million years.” Davidson added that the tools were found next to a set of completely unused stone hand weights and a formal animal-hide loincloth that the protohuman appears to have worn only one time.


Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More