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alternative energy

Biofuels

With oil prices reaching an all-time high, scientists are looking for alternative fuel sources. What are they currently researching?

New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.

Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair

AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.

Report: U.S. Must Reduce Dependence On Foreign Turmoil

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Cato Institute report released Monday, the U.S. has become overly dependent on foreign turmoil for its conversations and media coverage. "The American people consume as many as 60 million barrels of crude speculation every day, using it for everything from driving discussions to heating up political debates," the report stated. "Unless we can dredge up domestic sources of turmoil, we may end up utterly dependent on the Middle East for conversational fuel."
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Scientists Claim Solar Energy Will Be Capable Of Powering 95% Of Scorchlands Outposts By 2085

STANFORD, CA—Saying the findings reflected the promise of a sustainable future, Stanford University’s Global Climate and Energy Project issued a report Thursday predicting that solar energy will be able to power 95 percent of Scorchlands outposts by 2085. “Based on current trends in renewables, we estimate that in less than a century, solar power will be able to meet almost all of the energy needs of the warring tribes eking out crude existences in the Scorchlands’ cracked, lifeless landscape,” said climate researcher Eugene Lee, adding that advances in photovoltaic panels meant that even a small solar grid could likely provide outposts with the electricity they need to filter water, heat their rudimentary shacks, and power sustainment pods when noxious dust storms rendered the air lethal to breathe. “Of course, the ashen smoke that will sometimes blot out the sun for days will occasionally require the use of other technologies such as furnaces powered by the cremation of outcasts. But make no mistake, while denizens of the Scorchlands will tend to die young and violently, it is solar power that will enable them to survive at least long enough to participate in a few raids on neighboring clans.” The report also concluded that fuel cell technology will likely advance far enough by 2085 to charge the electrified cages in which criminals will fight to the death for the favor of the Scorchland Lord.

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Texas Environmentalists Lobby For Solar-Powered Electric Chair

AUSTIN, TX—Garrett Durning of the Texas Environmental Defense League has spent the last three months campaigning tirelessly for the installation of solar-powered electric chairs in state prisons. "Texas wastes more than 500,000 watts of electricity on every criminal it executes," Durning told reporters Monday. "We live in the 21st century, and it's high time we acted like it. Let's stop depleting our non-renewable fossil fuels. Solar power is a more energy-efficient way to execute the condemned." Durning added that wrist and ankle restraints should be made of hemp rather than leather, the use of which is cruel.

Report: U.S. Must Reduce Dependence On Foreign Turmoil

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Cato Institute report released Monday, the U.S. has become overly dependent on foreign turmoil for its conversations and media coverage. "The American people consume as many as 60 million barrels of crude speculation every day, using it for everything from driving discussions to heating up political debates," the report stated. "Unless we can dredge up domestic sources of turmoil, we may end up utterly dependent on the Middle East for conversational fuel."

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