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Cockroaches Feeling Very Optimistic About Future Of Planet

NEW YORK—Declaring that their outlook is as hopeful as it’s been in decades, an overwhelming majority of the world’s cockroaches said in a poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center that they felt “highly optimistic” about the future of the planet.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct
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Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks

HOT SPRINGS, AR—Noting that what little time remained was quickly slipping away, sources confirmed Monday that the last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker was completely squandering the species’ final weeks of existence. “He’s got maybe a month left on the planet, and that dumbass is totally blowing it by standing around doing nothing all day on a goddamn tree branch,” said local birdwatcher Lamar Campbell, adding that the critically endangered woodpecker was frittering away precious time just sitting in its nest preening its feathers. “What the fuck is wrong with this thing? It’s the last one of its kind, and it’s just singing some stupid song like there’s another fucking woodpecker around to even hear it. Real good use of your short time on Earth, idiot.” At press time, the woodpecker had completely wasted the very last seconds of its entire species by hopping around on the ground with a stick in its beak, with most onlookers reportedly not very upset to see the moron go.

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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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