EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing increasingly exasperated by the animal’s indifference to his attempts at affection, local man Joe Dooney told reporters Friday that he didn’t know what else he could do to get his cat, Harvey, purring.
SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday.
Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history
SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.
BETHESDA, MD—Challenging conventional wisdom about the activity’s hazards, a groundbreaking new study by the National Institutes of Health published Thursday has determined there are significant dangers even in casual bullfighting.
LENOX, GA—Cringing at the thought of the embarrassing blunder being forever preserved on film, a local garter snake was reportedly humiliated Friday after a documentary crew caught footage of it completely whiffing while lunging at a toad.
SAN DIEGO—Dimwittedly refusing to let her offspring venture more than a few feet away from her, an idiot gazelle at the San Diego Zoo was reportedly still protective of her young Tuesday despite facing absolutely no predators.
WASHINGTON—Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nation’s dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their shit together during this year’s Fourth of July fireworks displays.
HELENA, MT—Promising unspoiled nature and a relaxing escape from the hectic rigors of city life, a new Montana tourism advertising campaign that debuted this week is reportedly marketed toward urban bison.
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.
THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...