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Ted Cruz Asks Central Park Hansom Cab Driver How Much It Costs To Whip Horse For An Hour

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Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Ethical Hunter Throws Duck He Shot Back Into Sky

PEPIN, WI—Taking care to restore the bird to its natural habitat in a timely manner, ethical hunter Rick Streeter threw a mallard duck back into the sky Monday shortly after shooting it, sources confirmed.

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

Bringing a pet into your life is a rewarding experience, though it also involves finding someone you trust to provide capable medical care. Here are The Onion’s tips for choosing the right veterinarian:
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Election 2016

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Ted Cruz Asks Central Park Hansom Cab Driver How Much It Costs To Whip Horse For An Hour

NEW YORK—Saying the activity seemed like the perfect way to spend some free time while he was visiting Manhattan, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly asked a hansom cab driver in Central Park Tuesday how much it would cost to whip his horse for one hour. “Excuse me, sir, beauty of a horse you’ve got. How much are you charging to flog it for an hour or so?” said the Texas senator, who quickly clarified that he did not want to go anywhere or even sit in the carriage, but would instead prefer to beat the horse with a riding crop at his leisure for a period of 60 minutes. “Ever since I was little, I’ve dreamed about thrashing a hansom cab horse in Central Park. I can’t wait to give it a couple good whacks on the face. I’m trying to really experience all New York has to offer while I’m here.” After he was turned down by the driver, Cruz reportedly told onlookers he would instead head down to the Central Park pond to feed on the ducks.

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