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How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Case For And Against Zoos

The killing of a rare gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo to protect a child who climbed into its enclosure has reignited debate over whether wild animals should be kept in captivity. Here is the case for and against zoos

Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.
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Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of Home On The Range Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture. “Jesus, did you see how close that dog came to the fire?” said visibly worried viewer Kelly Ashton, adding that there was simply no way the 1935 black-and-white adventure film would feature a reassuring “No animals were harmed in the making of this picture” disclaimer. “They definitely didn’t have the technology to fake something like that back then, and they must have done a bunch of takes before getting the right shot. Oh God, they probably had multiple dogs on set too, so if one got burned, they could just swap in another. Ugh, this is stressful to watch.” Ashton went on to say that while the dog at least appeared to stay out of danger throughout the rest of the movie, she was fairly certain that at least four of the horses had to be put down after filming.

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