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How Animals Go Extinct

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Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Case For And Against Zoos

The killing of a rare gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo to protect a child who climbed into its enclosure has reignited debate over whether wild animals should be kept in captivity. Here is the case for and against zoos

Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.
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How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct:

  • STEP 1

    Organisms worldwide make the ill-advised choice to coexist on same planet

  • STEP 2

    Developing nations suddenly feel entitled to modern industry

  • STEP 3

    Conservation status of each species determined by calculating its population over time, annual breeding rate, and number of favorable references in pop culture

  • STEP 4

    Greenpeace volunteer sidestepped

  • STEP 5

    Poachers adapt and evolve to survive the threat of new conservation laws within their ecosystem

  • STEP 6

    World Wildlife Fund pledge drive comes up $300 short of saving the hawksbill sea turtle

  • STEP 7

    Diligent Wikipedia contributor solemnly makes it official

  • STEP 8

    Cockroaches continue to lie low

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