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Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Case For And Against Zoos

The killing of a rare gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo to protect a child who climbed into its enclosure has reignited debate over whether wild animals should be kept in captivity. Here is the case for and against zoos

Popular Designer Dog Breed Just Twisted Spinal Cord Attached To Collapsed Lung

NEW YORK—Growing quickly in popularity following its official recognition by the American Kennel Club last year, the Toy Whiffle—a floppy-eared collapsed lung loosely attached to a severely twisted spinal column—is now one of the most sought-after designer dog breeds in the country, according to an AKC survey published Thursday.
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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm. “We’re pleased to welcome Bo as an important addition to our organization, where his experience in Washington and familiarity with the West Wing will no doubt enormously benefit our clients,” said BHFS president Steven Farber of the 8-year-old Portuguese water dog, who will reportedly command an annual salary in excess of $750,000 and occupy a sizable corner office overlooking his former address at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “In his time in the Oval Office, he’s met heads of government agencies, generals, and influential members of Congress, not to mention dozens of world leaders—that’s a truly incomparable level of access. Plus, he’s one of the most respected figures in the Beltway.” Farber went on to say that Bo was also the most adorable little munchkin ever hired in the history of the firm.

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