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Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man. The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features...

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors.

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.

Apple: New iPhone Good

'You Should Buy It' CEO Says

CUPERTINO, CA—During a highly anticipated media event held today at the Apple corporation’s world headquarters, CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 4S is good and people should buy it.

Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple...

New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'

SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday morning to announce that he envisioned printers as the company’s future.
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Features Of The New iPhone 8

In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:

  • Users must slowly earn Siri’s trust before she will agree to fulfill requests

  • Faceprint scanner for added security

  • Introduces wireless charging capabilities and six new defunct cables for your junk drawer

  • Simple voice-to-text-to-souvenir-magnet commands

  • 18.5:9 dimensions that adhere to Aristotle’s theoretical perfect aspect ratio for small personal electronics

  • Apps no longer leak out when screen cracks

  • Integrated cross-platform OS makes phone completely unusable unless simultaneously running iWatch, iPad, MacBook, and Apple TV

  • Sauce-resistant

  • Proprietary new phone shape only compatible with pockets of licensed Apple Pants

  • Preloaded with preview of superior iPhone 9 features

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