Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement

CUPERTINO, CA—Ending weeks of anticipation and intense speculation, tech giant Apple unveiled a short and fleeting moment of excitement to the general public Tuesday during a media event at its corporate headquarters.

Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

CUPERTINO, CA—At a highly anticipated press event at its Silicon Valley headquarters Tuesday afternoon, tech giant Apple officially unveiled to the public a panicked and completely idea-free man. The white, ultrathin man, who exhibited such features...

Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

In addition to unveiling the new flagship iPhone at a press event Wednesday, Apple CEO Tim Cook debuted a more affordable version of the device called the iPhone 5C, which is clad in a plastic casing and is available in a variety of colors.

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.

Apple: New iPhone Good

'You Should Buy It' CEO Says

CUPERTINO, CA—During a highly anticipated media event held today at the Apple corporation’s world headquarters, CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 4S is good and people should buy it.

Amish Teen Spends Entire Rumspringa At Apple Store

PITTSBURGH—Since discovering the electronics retailer by chance at the beginning of his ritual period of experimentation outside the strict regimen of the Amish life, 16-year-old Isaac Stoltzfus has spent every day of his rumspringa at a local Apple...

New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'

SAN FRANCISCO—Following the resignation of Apple founder Steve Jobs, incoming CEO Tim Cook called a meeting of shareholders and members of the press Thursday morning to announce that he envisioned printers as the company’s future.

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting."
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Features Of The New iPhone 7

Apple unveiled the iPhone 7 at a press event Wednesday. Here are some of the smartphone’s new features:

  • Looks more impressive twirling inside white void during video demonstration

  • No longer required to dial 9 before making outside call

  • Put together by a child

  • Preloaded with 5,000 unread work emails

  • Lets user set which government agency their data funneled to

  • New retina display that can only be fully appreciated after laser surgery to enhance vision beyond capabilities of human eyes

  • Siri will no longer refer to Russia as the U.S.S.R.

  • Can get a case for it, if you want

  • Will combust if in the presence of wires

  • Glass now fractures into even smaller, sharper pieces

  • Exclusively compatible with Cricket Wireless

  • Expiration date printed on back allows easy disposal before next iPhone released

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