Area Man

Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things

MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the complet...

Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, MO—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind.

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound


COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...

Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man

COLUMBUS, OH—Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him....

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.
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Area Man Nostalgic For Time When Ads Targeting Him Not As Sad

DOVER, DE—Reminiscing about past online promotions for goods and services as he perused the internet Wednesday, area man Walter Delray, 32, reportedly grew nostalgic for a time when the advertisements targeting him were not quite so sad. “Back in the day, I used to get ads for vacation packages to Cancun or high-end digital cameras, but now when I go on Facebook, it seems like all the promoted posts in my news feed are for unscented cat litter,” said Delray, wistfully recalling the halcyon days of his youth before the promotions based on his demographic and behavioral traits were for CPA certification programs and bathroom sink accessories. “It would be kind of nice to see a few banner ads for Lollapalooza again. Frankly, it can be a little depressing when you go to a website and it’s covered in ads for 15 percent off wheel alignments.” At press time, Delray reportedly sighed while clicking mute on a video ad about debt consolidation.


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