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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities

SANTA FE, NM—Admitting they could understand such oddball behavior from someone with an amazing creative vision, sources close to area painter Dina Paulson told reporters Tuesday that the 34-year-old woman is not nearly a good enough artist to justi...

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Area Man Gets Terrible Creative Juices Flowing

SLIDELL, LA—Local man Timothy Nolan announced Friday that after initially struggling to get into the right frame of mind for a new project, he had finally gotten his horrible creative juices flowing.

Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival

EUGENE, OR—A small, somewhat spherical clay thing with various types of decorations on it was purchased Friday at the ninth annual Eugene Arts Festival, sources confirmed. The clay thing, which was covered in some sort of shiny glaze, was selected f...

Timeless Masterpiece Liked

SANTA CLARA, CA—City Lights, the eternal Charlie Chaplin classic heralded by film scholars as a poignant and seminal work of...
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Man Has Been Meaning To Catch Up On Whole Of Human Artistic Endeavor

Regan suspects he might “get totally into” the cumulative artistic output of the human species once he gives it a shot, citing how many of his friends and coworkers seem to enjoy it.
Regan suspects he might “get totally into” the cumulative artistic output of the human species once he gives it a shot, citing how many of his friends and coworkers seem to enjoy it.

CHICAGO—Saying he has heard good things but hasn’t yet had a chance to check it out, local 31-year-old Kevin Regan reported Thursday he has been meaning to catch up on the whole of human artistic endeavor.

Despite wanting for a while now to “see what all the buzz is about” surrounding the sum total of mankind’s aesthetic creations, Regan admitted he has simply not yet taken the time to “really get into” the 40,000-year-old means of representing the human experience through various visual and auditory media.

“From what everyone says, it sounds pretty cool, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet,” said Regan, who explained he has been meaning to follow up on friends’ recommendations to check out sculpture, photography, the Western literary canon, cinema, printmaking, traditional Asian puppet theater, and all of the performing arts. “I figure I should probably start from the beginning, with Paleolithic ivory carvings, and work my way forward from there. But I’ve also been told there’s some really awesome stuff going on with architecture from the Roman Empire through the European Renaissance, so that could be a good place to start, too.”

“I’ve also heard music is pretty great,” Regan added.

Although Regan reported having encountered bits and pieces of humanity’s complete artistic output in the past, he confessed he has never taken in the entire collective body of emotionally and culturally expressive works in depth. In particular, Regan mentioned having previously caught brief glimpses of Vincent Van Gogh’s Olive Trees In A Mountainous Landscape, the Chrysler Building, and dance, as well as once overhearing a 35-second clip of the 1996 Blackstreet song “No Diggity.”

Regan stated that he was motivated to give all of art a try, not only because of the positive word of mouth but also because he frequently feels left out of conversations whenever the topic turns to popular situation comedies, alternative rock, classic Hollywood films, the oeuvre of eighth-century Chinese poet Li Bai, or fictional storytelling in all its forms across the millennia, from oral traditions to the present.

“It’s pretty frustrating to hear everyone at work discussing how amazing novels or televised dramas are and for me to have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Regan, adding that he was looking forward to being able to participate in future conversations about pottery, jazz, the woodcuts of Albrecht Dürer, French grand opera, outsider artists like Henry Darger, and Star Wars. “I’ve heard from some people that you can pretty much skip everything between 30,000 B.C. and ancient Greece, but I’m worried if I do that I’ll get lost later on. I’ve got a long weekend coming up, so I’ll probably use that as an opportunity to start with early cave paintings and just binge my way right on through to the Dutch masters.”

At press time, Regan had reportedly decided to give up on all of art after being disappointed with the first three episodes of Heroes.

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