Back To School

Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

KETTERING, OH—After completing his first day at Fairmont High School on Tuesday, history teacher Ted Wilkinson reportedly spent most of the evening desperately praying that none of his new students ever feel inclined to Google him.

Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year

WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday.

Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of universities now offer dick-around abroad programs that give students the chance to hang out and do jack shit in another country.
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Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed. Here are some tips for parents to help their kids prepare for going back to school:

  • Calmly explain to your child that those summertime days of eating peanuts with reckless abandon are officially over
  • Prepare a study area in a quiet part of the house where you can complete your child’s homework without any distractions
  • Children who eat healthy, balanced breakfasts tend to do better in school. Find out which kids do that, and instruct your children to cheat off them
  • Listen to your children’s feelings about returning to school before telling them the right ones to have
  • Take a tour of the school to get a feel for the place and realize how easily it’d be for some strange adult to just wander around your child like that
  • Train your child for the classroom by crating them seven hours a day
  • Purchase only no-name and off-brand clothes for your children to ensure that they are viewed as shrewd and individualistic by their peers
  • Make sure your child’s typewriter has plenty of paper and a fresh ink ribbon
  • Mark your calendar with orchestra concerts and science fairs so you can schedule work conflicts ahead of time
  • Get your child excited about spending time at school by escalating the viciousness of your fights with your spouse at home
  • Rehearse your child’s family vacation story thoroughly so no one knows about the 12 straight weeks of iPad
  • Send your kid to private school, if we’re being real here
  • Make sure that education is a top priority for your family by having a flexible white-collar job that allows you to help your child with homework

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