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Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve

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Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General

WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss

‘Everyone Head Home And We’ll Try This Again Tomorrow,’ Says President

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation was unlikely to accomplish much more between now and the end of the workday, President Barack Obama held a press conference early this afternoon to tell everyone to head on home and chalk up today as a loss.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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Obama Clears 2,000 Square Miles Of U.S. Airspace For New Free-Range Drone Preserve

WASHINGTON—Providing the unmanned aerial vehicles with ample space to gather and fly around unfettered, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday setting aside nearly 2,000 square miles of airspace over western Montana as a federally protected free-range drone preserve, sources confirmed. “These are truly impressive and majestic aircraft, and they deserve a sanctuary where they can soar freely without fear of RF jamming or surface-to-air missiles,” said Obama, who described the remote region as “prime drone habitat,” explaining how it was selected for its abundant reserves of high-octane jet fuel and crystal-clear satellite uplink connections. “Here, all types of drones—from the large and magnificent Global Hawk to the wide variety of lively short-range mini UAVs—will be free to engage in their beautiful natural behavior of surveilling, tracking targets on the ground, and neutralizing them.” Following several early incidents, White House sources confirmed that MQ-1 Predator drones would be kept in their own designated portion of the preserve to separate them from the less aggressive varieties.

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