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Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday

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Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss

‘Everyone Head Home And We’ll Try This Again Tomorrow,’ Says President

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation was unlikely to accomplish much more between now and the end of the workday, President Barack Obama held a press conference early this afternoon to tell everyone to head on home and chalk up today as a loss.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.

Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.
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Obama Reminds Nation That He’s Taking Personal Day Next Friday

WASHINGTON—After outlining the key issues he intends to address during upcoming talks with Saudi leaders, President Barack Obama took a moment during a press conference Monday to remind the nation that he would be taking a personal day next Friday. “I’ll be out the whole day and I’m going to have limited access to phone and email, so if you’re trying to get in touch with me, don’t expect a response until the following Monday at the earliest,” said Obama, instructing all 320 million Americans to take any questions that may come up to Tom Vilsack, the U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, whom the president had reportedly tapped to run the morning cabinet meeting in his absence. “If it’s really urgent, you can get in touch with my secretary, Ferial, and she can reach me on my personal number—but just try to use some common sense about what’s an actual emergency and what can wait.” The president then informed the nation he would be taking two weeks off in May, noting that he had maxed out his vacation days and had to use them quickly or begin forfeiting them.

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