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Obama: ‘Hillary Will Fight To Protect My Legacy, Even The Truly Detestable Parts’

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barack obama

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General

WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

Obama Tells Nation To Just Chalk Up Today As Loss

‘Everyone Head Home And We’ll Try This Again Tomorrow,’ Says President

WASHINGTON—Saying the nation was unlikely to accomplish much more between now and the end of the workday, President Barack Obama held a press conference early this afternoon to tell everyone to head on home and chalk up today as a loss.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

Budget-Conscious Obamas Strongly Pushing Malia Toward UDC Community College

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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Obama: ‘Hillary Will Fight To Protect My Legacy, Even The Truly Detestable Parts’

PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing the former secretary of state’s competence and tenacity during his Democratic National Convention address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama praised Hillary Clinton as someone who would work tirelessly to defend and advance the legacy he had built, even the “truly repugnant parts.” “Secretary Clinton is a driven and brilliant leader who will do everything in her power to preserve what we’ve accomplished over the last eight years, even when those accomplishments were vile and frightening and actively eroded our faith in the inherent morality of this country,” said Obama, adding that Clinton was extremely qualified to continue expanding access to health care and pursuing renewable energy, as well as authorizing extralegal drone strikes against presumed combatants, including American citizens, in sovereign nations across the globe. “Whether it’s strengthening environmental protections or keeping Guantanamo Bay in operation well into the next decade, Hillary is a leader who will continue pursuing the best and worst of this administration’s work. When you vote for her this November, you can be confident knowing you’re electing a president who will strive to rid our world of nuclear weapons, increase grants to low-income college students, make sure that whistleblowers are increasingly afraid to come forward with information about illegal government programs that violate citizens’ rights, and boost automotive fuel efficiency standards.” Obama added that Clinton had already proved her mettle as secretary of state by helping lead the country’s forward-looking and widely lauded “Pivot to Asia” foreign policy initiative while simultaneously advocating for America’s disastrous military intervention in Libya.

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