‘Please, Just Tell Me Who To Arm And I’ll Do It,’ President Says
WASHINGTON—Saying the shipments were just sitting there all ready to go, a desperate President Obama stated Monday that as soon as someone lets him know who to give arms to in order to defeat ISIS, he will immediately begin doing so.
WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.
WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.
WASHINGTON—Researchers at the Urban Institute published a study Friday confirming that a sharp increase in gun sales nationwide would be the most concrete result of the impassioned pro-gun-control speech that President Obama delivered following yesterday’s mass shooting in Oregon.
SEDALIA, MO—Following yesterday’s speech by the president addressing the recent events in Roseburg, OR, local 42-year-old Tim Moss expressed his outrage to reporters that President Obama was attempting to capitalize off a tragedy to push his anti-tragedy agenda.
WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.
WASHINGTON—After locating several empty seats at a communal table near the service counter, President Barack Obama reportedly held diplomatic talks with a Saudi Arabian delegation Friday at a local Starbucks while the Oval Office carpet was being cleaned.
‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents
WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.
With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, nearly nine in 10 Americans believe that President Obama has failed to move the nation any closer to becoming an ethereal paradise of pure and everlasting pleasure.
WASHINGTON—Testing out different phrases and vocal inflections as he has done almost every night for the past seven years, President Barack Obama sat at his desk in the early morning hours Friday rehearsing a defiant speech he’d give to aliens should they one day invade, Oval Office sources confirmed.
President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan
WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room.
WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold crucial portions of the Affordable Care Act, citizens across the country reportedly took a brief break Thursday from waiting on hold with their insurance providers to celebrate.
Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the commander-in-chief might want to get a head start on such a project soon, architect Owen Levin presented President Obama with generic options for a national memorial Tuesday that could feasibly honor an American war i...
WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a l...
WASHINGTON—In what is being regarded as a further provocation on top of his already controversial address before Congress, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doubled down against President Obama Tuesday with a PowerPoint presentation on the p...
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the numerous ecological benefits of blocking the proposed legislation, experts confirmed Wednesday that President Obama’s decision to veto the Keystone XL pipeline bill should buy the environment an additional three or f...
WASHINGTON—Muttering softly under his breath as he leaned his head against the tiled bathroom wall, President Barack Obama repeatedly reminded himself that he was not his job over the course of a 15-minute shower Friday morning, White House sources ...
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
ORLANDO, FL—Leaving no trace of his attendance at the industry conference, American Academy of Periodontology Annual Convention attendee Bill Hancock reportedly removed his name tag Thursday and instantly vanished back into the world of anonymous Hilton Orlando guests.
BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Obama Increases Sense Of Urgency By Riding Last White Rhino On Earth Through Climate Talk