barack obama

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

Obama Holds Camp David Summit To Ease Tensions With Coyotes

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Soapy Bo Obama Jumps Up On Secretary-General

WASHINGTON—Calling the transgression simply unacceptable as foamy suds dripped onto the floor from his shirtsleeves, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon reportedly revoked the United States’ membership in the United Nations this afternoon after a soapy, soaking-wet Bo Obama jumped up on the diplomat during a visit to the White House.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Surgically Altered Obama Doubles Struggling To Find Work After Presidency

Many Obama body doubles worry they will have no way to support themselves once their unemployment benefits run out.
Many Obama body doubles worry they will have no way to support themselves once their unemployment benefits run out.

WASHINGTON—Returning to the private sector after eight years of service as presidential decoys, the White House’s team of surgically altered Barack Obama body doubles are reportedly struggling to find work since losing their jobs last month.

The two dozen former Secret Service agents, each of whom underwent highly invasive cosmetic procedures in 2009 to more convincingly pose as the 44th president, told reporters that there seem to be dishearteningly few opportunities in the current job market for near-perfect replicas of Barack Obama.

“Most businesses worry that their customers or employees will be distracted or unsettled by the sight of me, so I haven’t received any job offers yet,” said Obama double Andrew Weaver, who after seven rounds of facial reconstructive surgery and months studying his mannerisms is now completely indistinguishable from the former president. “Agreeing to let doctors file down my cheekbones and modulate my larynx was fantastic for my career in the short term, but I applied for a job with the Baltimore Police Department the other day, and they wouldn’t even consider me. It’s frustrating, because I have a lot to offer.”

“After all, I was the third-highest-ranking double for the president,” he added.

Sources said that many of the agents, some of whom had their shins broken and reset in order to ensure they stood at Obama’s precise height of 73 inches, have been forced by their difficult job searches to relocate well outside the D.C. area. And despite being trained to escape assassination attempts and withstand brutal interrogations, the Obama decoys said they are often immediately disqualified by employers for any position that requires face-to-face contact with another human being.

Several of the men lamented that health plans under the Affordable Care Act don’t cover elective cosmetic surgeries, leaving them with little hope of ever reversing the procedures, which reportedly also included forehead lifts and gene therapy designed to alter their skin pigmentation.

While the current White House has offered to rehire them, the Obama doubles said they did not want to undergo the series of extremely painful operations necessary to resemble President Donald Trump, only to find themselves jobless once more in four or, at most, eight years.

“Washing dishes isn’t glamorous, but it’s a steady job, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones,” said Allen O’Neal, now an employee of Ruth’s Chris Steak House in Lexington, KY, who sat in for the president during a visit to Saudi Arabia and met with an unwitting President Vladimir Putin in 2015. “I know a couple of the other guys managed to get jobs together at a car wash in Cincinnati, and they say it’s all right.”

“If I get tired of this place, I might be able to go work with them,” he added.

While acknowledging that there are a handful of opportunities for Obama impersonators to perform on the major cruise lines or throw out the first pitch at Single-A baseball games, the doubles said a non-compete clause in their old White House contracts strictly limits their ability to take on such engagements. One of the Obama lookalikes reportedly paid steep fines after he was caught charging six figures for unauthorized speeches he made to defense contractors and pharmaceutical companies.

“When I was first recruited into the program, it was a real career highlight, but now that I’m back on the job market, I’m having regrets,” said Jason Newburg, 55, who added that he has struggled with depression since leaving the job in which he conducted a joint press conference with Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and hosted the 2013 NBA champion Miami Heat while the real president was in meetings with his national security team. “Things are looking up, though. I’m close to landing a job at a call center for a pretty decent-sized bank, and meanwhile, I’ve got a ribbon-cutting gig at a supermarket in Dallas next Saturday.”

“Plus, last week, the White House called me and asked if I could show up to a state funeral,” he added. “There’s no way I’m passing that up.”

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