bill clinton

Clinton Emotionally Ready To Start Getting Blow Jobs Again

NEW YORK—Five years after the Monica Lewinsky scandal, former president Bill Clinton announced Tuesday that, at long last, he is emotionally ready to start receiving blow jobs again. "It has been a long, difficult road, but I am finally at a point in my life where I can receive oral sex from a woman again," Clinton told reporters. "After many years of soul-searching and intensive therapy, I am now able to enjoy getting blown without all that painful emotional baggage overshadowing what should be a wonderful experience."

Gore Upset That Clinton Doesn't Call Anymore

NEW YORK–Six months after leaving Washington, a despondent Al Gore expressed frustration and sadness Monday that Bill Clinton no longer calls or makes an effort to maintain their once-close friendship.

U.S. To Host Foster Country

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, President Clinton confirmed that the U.S. is clearing out a portion of Montana to make room for foster country Ecuador. "Ecuador has been through some pretty rough times these last few years, bounced around from one foster homeland to another," Clinton said of the troubled South American nation, which lost its government in a March 1996 earthquake. "But it's a tough little nation, and with a lot of love and a little political stability, it's going to be just fine." Ecuador's previous host, Denmark, returned the country after just three weeks, complaining that it consumed too much of its food and petroleum.
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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate. “President Clinton put in a strong showing on Monday, sitting erect in his chair with his eyes open all night, but in order for him to repeat that kind of performance, it’s crucial that he spend the next 11 days building up his strength,” said communications director Jennifer Palmieri, adding that 90 minutes was quite a long time to remain in a sitting position fully awake without any break, but noted that the campaign staff was extremely confident the nation’s 42nd president would be able to come through again. “It’s not going to be easy, but we believe that if the president gets plenty of rest over the next week and a half, he’ll be ready to sit still in a chair for the entire town hall forum in St. Louis on October 9. He knows there are many doubters out there who question his ability to pull off such a feat two times in a row, and he aims to silence them.” Palmieri added that Clinton was focused on building up his endurance with intense daily workouts of standing up for several seconds.

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