Tsarnaev Death Penalty A Warning To Any Other Religious Fanatics Hoping To Be Martyred

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Breaking News: Boston

Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

BOSTON—After living in residence halls during his first three semesters at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, sophomore student Dzhokar Tsarnaev was finally able to get a place of his own and move off campus this week, the 19-year-old told r...

Dzhokar Tsarnaev Posts Bail

BOSTON—Days after being apprehended for his alleged role in last week’s Boston Marathon attack, suspected bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev reportedly posted bail earlier today, prompting authorities to release him from custody.

Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Ma...

BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing?

BREAKING: Still Nothing

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

BREAKING: No News Breaking

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are now confirming that no news is currently breaking in the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

Jesus, This Week

WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking week, sources added. Christ. “Seriously, can we wrap...
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