Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp

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Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse." Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.

Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics

WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of deny-side economics. "Nope," the president said. "I keep hearing people say that the U.S. economy is troubled, but that isn't true. Our economy is strong. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, and everything will work out." Leading economists say they are curious to see whether the president's optimism will trickle down into the public consciousness.

Columnist Crackdown

Columnists Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher, and Michael McManus are under fire for accepting payment for promoting Bush administration policies. Who else has received public money, and for what?

Irrelevant Pop Stars Unite Against Bush

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to motivate Americans to go to the polls on Nov. 2, a coalition of irrelevant pop stars is winding up a 36-city tour that will culminate in a concert on Oct. 11 in Washington, D.C.

The Bush Family Biography

The Family: The Real Story Of The Bush Dynasty, Kitty Kelley's tell-all biography of the Bush family, hit shelves last week. What did the book reveal?

Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.
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Bush Announces 8-Month Plan To Steal Favorite Desk Lamp

WASHINGTON—With his term in office coming to an end in less than a year, President Bush announced Monday that he will spend the remainder of his presidency implementing an initiative that will have as-yet-unknown implications for his successors: the stealing of a coveted $27 desk lamp from the East Room of the White House. "Securing this lamp for my den in Crawford has long been a goal of my presidency," Bush said of the plan, which at present consists of the president making sure no one is in the room before cramming the lamp under his shirt and hurriedly boarding a helicopter that will be waiting in the Rose Garden. "In order to facilitate this imperative, historic measure, I have created a new cabinet-level position whose primary responsibilities will be to act as a lookout and create any necessary diversions needed to ensure the swiping of the lamp." Bush's lamp-stealing plan will reportedly cost taxpayers $3.75 billion.

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