Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media

In This Section

business

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

HICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Whole Foods Launching Chain Of Cheaper Stores For Millennials

Officials for Whole Foods have announced that the chain of high-end grocery stores will soon launch a line of lower-priced stores with a “curated” selection of more simply designed foods for millennials and others who can’t afford Whole Foods’ prices. What do you think?

McDonald’s Reintroduces Hamburgler As Attractive Suburban Dad

McDonald’s has reintroduced its iconic Hamburgler character as a slickly dressed dad who moved to the suburbs to raise his family but is now tempted back into a life of crime after being reminded about McDonald’s hamburgers, a new identity that some internet users have said is sexy. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Partying

Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media

GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media. “Crews are working around the clock to prevent information about the incident from spreading beyond the inside pages of newspapers and the final minutes of news programs,” said CEO Greg Armstrong, adding that the company deeply regretted that the crude spill had seeped into the news cycle and that it was devoting all its resources to stopping the slick from expanding into lead stories. “Our top priority is to do everything in our power to make sure this oil spill is restricted to a 30-second segment or 150-word article at most. Once it’s contained, we have specialized teams that can quickly and safely remove it from the news and limit any damage it could cause.” At press time, the company was scrambling to shut down the flow of oil-soaked pelican photos that was entering the mainstream media.


Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More