Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media

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Officials for Whole Foods have announced that the chain of high-end grocery stores will soon launch a line of lower-priced stores with a “curated” selection of more simply designed foods for millennials and others who can’t afford Whole Foods’ prices. What do you think?

McDonald’s Reintroduces Hamburgler As Attractive Suburban Dad

McDonald’s has reintroduced its iconic Hamburgler character as a slickly dressed dad who moved to the suburbs to raise his family but is now tempted back into a life of crime after being reminded about McDonald’s hamburgers, a new identity that some internet users have said is sexy. What do you think?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media

GOLETA, CA—In an effort to minimize the impact of the disaster occurring along the California coastline, Plains All American Pipeline officials rushed this week to contain the oil spill to a small section of the media. “Crews are working around the clock to prevent information about the incident from spreading beyond the inside pages of newspapers and the final minutes of news programs,” said CEO Greg Armstrong, adding that the company deeply regretted that the crude spill had seeped into the news cycle and that it was devoting all its resources to stopping the slick from expanding into lead stories. “Our top priority is to do everything in our power to make sure this oil spill is restricted to a 30-second segment or 150-word article at most. Once it’s contained, we have specialized teams that can quickly and safely remove it from the news and limit any damage it could cause.” At press time, the company was scrambling to shut down the flow of oil-soaked pelican photos that was entering the mainstream media.

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