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Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless

‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

NEW YORK—Saying that nobody deserves to endure such an atrocious fate, doctors at Mount Sinai Medical Center announced at a press conference Tuesday that they had diagnosed cancer with stage IV Skip Bayless. Surgical oncologist Dr. Andrew Bergman co...

Nation Hit Hard

NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether the...

Sun Safety Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:
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Gaunt, Sickly Kirby Takes Leave Of Absence From Video Games Following Stomach Cancer Diagnosis

DREAM LAND—With large bags under his oval-shaped eyes and his skin a pallid shade of bubblegum pink, a gaunt, sickly Kirby announced Wednesday that he would be taking a leave of absence from video games after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. “After a biopsy by Dr. Mario discovered a series of tumors along my gastrointestinal tract, I received a diagnosis of stage IV stomach cancer and will be taking an immediate and indefinite hiatus from all fighting, puzzle, and racing games,” said the pink puff, his voice frail as he explained that the tests from HAL Laboratory attributed the diagnosis to complications from frequently inhaling oversized enemies, eating over 40,000 calories of junk food—including whole hams, pizzas, and cakes—on a daily basis, and inflating his stomach to serve as a buoyant flight device. “I was so focused on obtaining all the Crystal Shards and ridding Mirror World of Shadow Kirby, I didn’t realize how much I was neglecting my health. I wish it hadn’t gotten to this point before I fully understood that I should cut back on shooting fireballs out of my mouth or maybe take it easy with the Maxim Tomatoes.” At press time, King Dedede and Meta Knight had issued a joint statement saying they would not hatch any diabolical schemes on Planet Pop Star out of respect for their ailing colleague and wished him a speedy recovery.

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Nation Hit Hard

NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether the...

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