Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

The Post-College Job Hunt

Members of the class of 2011 are facing an anemic job market as the national unemployment rate hovers around 9 percent.

Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Nonconsensual

ATLANTA—A new study published Tuesday by Emory University determined that 89 percent of networking encounters occur forcibly and without the consent of one of the parties involved, a disturbing finding that suggests far more people are victims of unwanted career-related discussions than was previously thought.

Résumé Font Offends Employer

CHARLOTTE, NC—The decision to set his résumé in default-font Times–New Roman "deeply, personally, and irrevocably" offended a...

Unlock Your Employees' Profit Potential With An Improv-Comedy Workshop!

What's your company's most important asset? The computers? Sure, you need those. The telephones? The office chairs? You need those, too. But your company has something a whole lot more important than any of these things. Your company's most important asset is your staff. You probably spend a lot of money updating your software, but how much money do you spend improving staff morale? Hi, I'm Matt Litton, and I'd like to tell you how a visit from my improv troupe One Dozen Eggs could be the key to unlocking your company's profit potential.

New Generation Of Dynamic, Can-Do Seniors Taking On Second Jobs

CHANDLER, AZ—Old age used to be considered a period of decreased activity, mental slowdown, and reduced usefulness to society. In recent years, however, a new generation of ambitious, resourceful senior citizens is turning that trend on its head, reclaiming their youthful vigor by taking on second jobs.
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The Pros And Cons Of Early Retirement

With careful planning and prudent financial decisions, many Americans could retire before 65. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of such a decision:

  • Pro
    • Mystery of whether you’ll die above or below the poverty line finally revealed

    • Have ample time to visit parts of the world that will be underwater by the time your peers retire

    • Mid-afternoon dentist appointments a fucking breeze to schedule

    • Get to form bonds with the loved ones you neglected for years in dogged pursuit of early retirement

    • Contemplation of own mortality no longer restricted to evening hours

  • Con
    • Interest in some kind of hobby now mandatory

    • Earning potential the one thing you had to offer spouse, children

    • Your exit will skew the ideological composition of the court to the far right

    • The guys have one last job in the works, and it’s a big one

    • Life not all that great either way


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