Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story

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Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
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Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story

NEW YORK—Realizing she might as well relax a little until her allegations are deemed credible in 2055 or so, 28-year-old Jill Garza confirmed Tuesday that she just needed to sit tight for around 40 years until a few dozen more women corroborated her story of being sexually assaulted by a beloved celebrity. “There’s nothing really for me to do except hang out for a few decades and just keep an eye on how many other women come forward with stories horrifyingly similar to mine,” said Garza, adding that she didn’t really see any other option except waiting around until she was nearly 70 as similar accusations slowly accumulated. “Maybe I’ll kind of set the ball rolling and actually won’t have to wait more than a decade to be taken seriously, but for now I’ll just plan to stay put and check in with my believability as a rape victim every couple of years.” Garza went on to say that the man who assaulted her would likely never actually go to jail, so there wasn’t any point even thinking about that at all.