​Report: All Standing Between Trump And Presidency Is Nation That Made Him Billionaire Celebrity

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...
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Election 2016

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​Report: All Standing Between Trump And Presidency Is Nation That Made Him Billionaire Celebrity

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center report released Monday that analyzed the Republican candidate’s chances of winning the general election in November, the only thing currently standing between Donald Trump and the presidency is the nation that made him a billionaire celebrity. “We are looking at an extremely tight race for the White House that will ultimately come down to the preferences of an electorate that has enabled Trump to amass an incredible fortune and maintain a prominent place in the national spotlight for over 30 years,” said lead researcher Moira Larson, explaining that the lone remaining obstacle to Trump becoming commander-in-chief was securing enough support from voters who routinely read multiple articles about him every single day and tune in to his every televised appearance just to see him speak. “Based on our findings, the people of this country—who have enabled him to profit wildly off of numerous luxury products and real estate holdings, closely followed his romantic exploits in the tabloids for decades, and watched multiple television shows he’s hosted or produced—are now the sole barrier to Trump taking the highest political office in the world.” The report follows on the heels of a related study showing that the major obstacle standing between Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton and the Oval Office is a nation that doesn’t like women possessing any authority whatsoever.

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