Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

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Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire

PAYNEVILLE, KY—Habitrail For Humanity, the faith-based, non-profit group that builds networks of affordable, transparent-tube housing for needy families, has come under intense criticism for its recent projects in the Payneville area.

National Board Of Steve Jaskoviak Requests $10 Billion Bailout

ROCHESTER, MN—Steve Jaskoviak, president of the National Board of Steve Jaskoviak, lobbied Congress for an unprecedented $10 billion bailout package Monday. "In order to continue providing Americans with a full range of Steve Jaskoviak-related services, it is crucial that I receive this aid," Jaskoviak told Congress. "This relief package will not only will cover my $5,612 Visa debt, but numerous administrative costs, as well."

All Proceeds No Longer Going To Charity

NEW YORK— Nearly three months after the Sept. 11 disaster, traditional capitalism is reasserting itself, as profits are once again being kept by the corporations earning them. "No portion of each sale of this product will go toward the WTC Police Disaster Relief Fund," reads a sticker on the cover of A Very Sony Christmas, an all-star compilation CD released Tuesday. A similar notice on packages of Fruit Of The Loom men's cotton briefs reads, "All proceeds will go directly into the fourth-quarter earnings of Fruit Of The Loom, Ltd."

Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

I Am The Anonymous Hero Who Donated All Those Old Legwarmers To Goodwill

For months, I have remained silent, desiring no recognition or acclaim for my altruism. Now, however, I feel it is time for me to step forward and admit to my magnanimous deed, only in the hope that I might inspire others to act so selflessly. Yes, I am the anonymous hero who donated all those old legwarmers to Goodwill.

Woman Wonders Whatever Happened To Those Rainforests She Gave $5 To Save That One Time

NORTHGATE, CO–Audra Smoller, 39, who donated $5 to the Save The Rainforests organization in 1997, was struck with curiosity Monday about the fate of her arboreal beneficiaries. "I wonder how those forests wound up making out with my five bucks," Smoller said. "I guess they were saved, because I never read anything in the paper about them getting cut down." Smoller added that, should another ecological crisis arise, concerned parties should not hesitate to approach her for assistance.

Russia Acquires Amway Distributorship

MOSCOW–The struggling nation of Russia took a major step toward getting out of debt and achieving financial independence Monday, when it became an official Amway distributor.

To Hell With Philanthropy

Every autumn, I like to do two things: perform my annual October shitting and contemplate the size of my fortune. And as much as I enjoy the former, I enjoy the latter even more.
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Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

GALENA, IL—Continuing in its philanthropic mission to promote educational and humanitarian causes throughout the entire northwest Illinois region, the Bill and Melinda Scoggins Foundation announced Monday a landmark $58 pledge to help fund the local 4-H organization. “Having already achieved a very comfortable living from my successful pool supply business, Melinda and I are now focused on giving back to the community, and the Galena 4-H’s goal of youth development was a cause that spoke to both of us,” said foundation president Bill Scoggins, whose generous gift follows last year’s contribution of $45 to the local Knights of Columbus and the previous year’s donation of a box of winter clothes and old books to the Salvation Army. “Melinda and I are so blessed to have everything we need: a nice split-level house, enough money to visit the [Wisconsin] Dells every year. What’s the point of sitting on your fortune when some of it can be used to help those in need?” According to sources, in addition to their charitable giving, the couple recently became part-sponsors of the East Dubuque Little-Cubs.