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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier

Due to high-profile exposure like the “Happy Meals bill,” which seeks to market less fattening meals to children, many restaurants across the country are trying to make their kids menus healthier and combat childhood obesity. Here are some ways they are tackling the issue:
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8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Having just witnessed his father retch uncontrollably from a bout of food poisoning, local 8-year-old Jacob Zimmer told reporters Tuesday that he could already tell the image of his dad puking would be ingrained in his memory forever. “From this day forward, I will never forget the sight of my dad throwing up with tears running down his face—it is stuck in my mind for good,” said the second-grader, predicting that even as an adult he would be able to recall with ease the horrible sound of his father groaning as he missed the toilet bowl and spewed some of the viscous brown-and-white mixture onto the bathroom wall. “Years from now—at my high school graduation; at my wedding; when he’s holding my newborn child—whenever I think ‘Dad,’ the image of him kneeling on the bathroom floor and dry heaving until vomiting bile will be one of the first things that flashes through my mind, if not the very first.” Sources later confirmed that the memory would eventually be supplanted at his brother’s bachelor party in 2036 when his father receives an awkward lap dance from a woman one-third his age.

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How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier

Due to high-profile exposure like the “Happy Meals bill,” which seeks to market less fattening meals to children, many restaurants across the country are trying to make their kids menus healthier and combat childhood obesity. Here are some ways they are tackling the issue:

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