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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier

Due to high-profile exposure like the “Happy Meals bill,” which seeks to market less fattening meals to children, many restaurants across the country are trying to make their kids menus healthier and combat childhood obesity. Here are some ways they are tackling the issue:
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Kid Coming From P.E. Spends Entire Math Class Absolutely Drenched In Sweat

TRENTON, NJ—Having arrived directly from the school gym where he played three-on-three basketball for 45 minutes, local 10th-grader Alex McKean reportedly spent the entirety of his math class Tuesday absolutely drenched in sweat. Early reports confirmed that the 15-year-old, who first entered the classroom with his sweat-stained T-shirt clinging to his body, immediately sprawled out on a chair in the back row, with beads of perspiration continuing to stream down his forehead, neck, and arms. Completely flushed in the face, the high schooler could also be heard panting heavily well into the first five minutes of the lesson as he tugged repeatedly at the front of his shirt in an effort to cool himself down. In addition to leaving all students in his vicinity visibly disgusted, McKean’s powerful body odor reportedly deterred his teacher from walking anywhere near his section of the classroom for the duration of the lecture. Following the bell, sources confirmed that McKean made a quick stop at a water fountain before showing up to his American history class with water still dripping from his mouth.

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