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Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local...

Protests Over The Golden Compass

Catholics and other religious groups have organized boycotts of The Golden Compass, a film based on a children's book by an avowed atheist....

Jesus Is My Health Insurance

I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems,...

Catholic Church Reconsiders Limbo

The Catholic Church has ruled that, contrary to previous church doctrine, unbaptized children do not spend time in limbo until the End of Days....
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New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave

JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead. “It’s important to understand that Jesus had been deceased for three whole days—he didn’t just pop up from the grave, ready and raring to go,” said Dr. Marian Sullivan, adding that physical traces she and her colleagues had discovered suggested Christ had sat at the edge of his burial slab for several minutes staring at his own feet, his death shroud still half-covering his face. “He took some much-needed time to just sort of zone out and shuffle around the tomb a little bit before having an extended bathroom break, stretching out, and finally ascending to heaven.” According to Sullivan, markings around the entrance of the crypt indicated that Christ at one point might have partly rolled back the stone sealing his tomb but then resealed the grave after deciding he wanted to lie back down just a little while longer.

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Catholic Church Reconsiders Limbo

The Catholic Church has ruled that, contrary to previous church doctrine, unbaptized children do not spend time in limbo until the End of Days....

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